The Art of the Racist Joke — by Adolf Hitler

Most people only know me for my all-business side, but I’m actually a really funny guy. I love jokes, but even I understand that humor has its boundaries. You can’t just blurt out a racist joke without thinking about the people you might offend.

It is indeed sometimes hard to know where to draw the line between hilarious and hurtful. That’s why I have created my very own guidelines for the racist joke.

1) Target Jokes Towards the Inferior Races.
It goes without saying that some races are superior to others. If you want to be funny, you should never make a joke about the Aryans, for they are the flawless creed. Instead, make jokes about the grimier peoples that are more fun to laugh at (i.e. jews, gays, gypsies.)

2) Never make a joke about the Holocaust.
The Holocaust is no laughing matter; it is the greatest thing ever to happen to the Western hemisphere. To reduce it to a joke would be shameful.

3) With practical jokes, go big or go home.
Oftentimes, subtlety is lost on an audience. In one of the proudest moments in my comedy career, I lead a racial cleansing of Europe that killed 6 million people. But to ensure that people got the joke, I had to strike a very delicate balance. I decided that 6 million was the perfect number; just big enough to get people’s attention, however ironically merciful. (Ha! I mean why should anyone show mercy towards the jews?)

4) Know when to stop.
Exit with grace. Go out with a bang.

Moments in Recent Music History

Macklemore, Seattle-based (white) rapper, wins Best (White) Rap Album at 2012 Grammy Awards.
Macklemore has said in interviews that he credits his success to being white and not hating gay people. He plans to title his forthcoming album I’m White and I Don’t Hate Gay People. Macklemore is heterosexual, however tolerant of alternative lifestyles. He is also white.

Chad Kreuger Recovers from Strep Throat, Starts Singing Normally.
After a decade and a half as lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kreuger has finally recovered from strep throat and has regained his normal singing voice. “Watch out, America. Smooth voiced Chad is coming at ya!,” a giddy Kreuger said at a recent press conference.

Kanye West to Turn Efforts away from Making Music, Towards Crafting Perfect Glue Formula.
“I’m a motherfucking genius, but music is not my only forte,” West said. West has expressed interest in exploring a new medium: adhesive paste. West is still perfecting his formula. “I want it to be sticky, but not like crazy sticky,” West says.
Look for YeezyGlue in stores everywhere, as early as May 2016.

Electrical engineers discover new type of battery

The electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery. Eighty engineering students are all being charged with battery and aggravated assault because of a violent brawl they incited in the engineering quad on Saturday afternoon. It was further uncovered that the engineering students were all involved in an underground bareknuckle boxing ring which occurred regularly on Tuesday and Thursday nights in Phillips hall.

When asbatpic_notmineked about this, one engineering student responded,

“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”

The students are also suspected of being involved in the recent spurts of physical violence and attempts to overthrow order in the free world on campus.

Reportedly, the incident that occurred on Saturday was the result of one arts and sciences student wandering to the engineering quad and boasting about all of the free time he has. The engineers reacted negatively to his lack of purpose in life and proceeded to pummel him. Unsatisfied with his lack of resistance, the engineers then began to attack each-other until police arrived 20 minutes later.

It is speculated that the violence among the electrical engineers can be an attempt to release stress.

When asked about possible motives for this outburst of violence, renowned psychologist Randall Mansfield stated,

“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”

It is clear that there can be no one reason for this outburst, and school officials hope that this year’s dragon day will be violence free and no AAP students will be thrown down Libe Slope.

 

Finals Week

Hey Will,
What gives?
You sold me crummy pills.
I’ve got two papers due tomorrow
That I haven’t started still.
I heard this stuff’s the bomb
To get your focus on.
Why else would they pump pre-teens
With isomers of methamphetamine?

But I’ve made six trips to Lowe’s today
And my hair is turning gray.
I can’t find anything in the shed
‘Cept a Tom Clancy novel I’ve already read.
And I can’t stop humming the Grateful Dead
While visions of grill scrubbers dance through my head.

What’s that, you say? You sold me DADderal?
Well, now it all makes sense.
I think I’ll go and comb my ‘stache
And build a picket fence.

A Sticker for Everyone! A Beginner’s Guide to Selecting the Perfect Bumper Sticker

Hate reading? Don’t want to actually say anything, but still want people to know you stand for…something…?

Why not try a trendy, new, “euro style” sticker!? With its minimalist approach, you’ll keep the yuppie stuck in traffic behind you occupied for hours attempting to de- cipher this cryptic gem! What does it mean? Maybe it’s your hometown? Maybe your college? …or maybe you just chose three random letters…

Are your polarizing views on sensitive topics getting you in hot water with the general public?

Fret not, just throw some confusing double negatives in there, and you’ll be golden! Who really has time to read these days anyway? Not choosing this bumper sticker wouldn’t not be a good idea, if you never tried to do it possibly!

Still afraid to voice your opinion?

Try tapping into what is perhaps the greatest tool in the bumper sticker enthusiasts arsenal. Raw. American. Sentimentalism. As long as you stick a few of these suckers along with your toxic spew, you could pretty much get away with murder! …
just an expression…but actually…

New Environmental Effort Promotes Recycled Essays

CENTRAL CAMPUS, Ithaca, NY — In an effort to save paper, Cornell students have begun recycling their essays for each class. This means that when
a student has received the paper he/she turned in last week, that student immediately hands the essay back to the professor to turn in his essay this week, regardless of whether that essay has the professors markups, grammar corrections, comments or an “F.” While this may seem like an immediate violation

Professors appreciate the new environmental effort as well, for they claim that if they never have to read an essay more than once, they can just give the student the same grade over and over again, a concept known as “grade stagflation.” of the policy of Academic Integrity (it is), students and faculty alike claim that its potential for energy efficiency is remarkable.

Students also claim that, especially in English courses, the essay prompts are vague enough that “pretty much anything will pass for why Titus Andronicus is not a tragedy in the traditional sense.”

Said one sophomore, “not having to write a completely new essay for my history class means that I save a bunch of energy by not expending my brain capital. That’s like, enough energy to run six smart cars, right?”

In fact, one student has been reusing just one essay his older brother wrote in high school to prove he’s a model of efficiency. Sadly, this student will have to leave Cornell next year because his academic probation has terminated.

Washed-up Authors begin Collaboration on Sequel to Classic Novel

The Community of Rundown Authors and Publishers announced a project to rewrite Fahrenheit 451 for the modern American audience. Publisher Ballantine Books, famous for its original run of Fahrenheit 451, has already signed on to pub- lish this new classic. Fahrenheit 452, scheduled for publication in early 2015, tells the story of Guy Hashtag, a 21st century employee living in a world where iPhones are required to be damaged. Through- out the novel, Hashtag shatters and bends iPhones, stopping occasionally to drop a call by holding the phone incorrectly. When asked why 452, the Community respond- ed: “452 oF is the temperature at which the Apple A8X processor is no longer able to run apps such as Tinder and Yik Yak, and we believe this will help to connect with our audiences.”

Publisher’s summary:

Nowadays, Apple Geniuses destroy phones. Genius Guy Hashtag loves to rush to an iPhone and watch the metal bend and the glass shatter. Then he met a seventeen-year old girl who told him of a past when people were not obsessed with 2-year contract upgrades, and a professor who told him of a future where people could read the news without charging their batteries. And Guy Hashtag knew what he had to do…

Recent Shift in Time-Space Continuum Enables Long-Distance Nagging

Ithaca, NY– On October 5th, a student (name withheld) reported “repeated instances of nagging and guilt-tripping” to CUPD. Days later, the student was checked into Gannett Health Services for “hallucinations and mental instability”. Since then, numerous reports of what is now being referred to as “Imagined Procrastination Disorder” have been reported in colleges and universities across the northeastern United States. Engineering students suffering from IPD have spent several weeks researching it, and have determined that the cur- rent “Space-Heading Interpolation Timeframe shift” is allowing par- ents to nag their children over long distances. Says one Cornellian,”My mom loves to tell me to get to work, but lately I just can’t deal with the SHIT!” According to reports, the SHIT causes issues primarily for architecture and engineering stu- dents. Gannett Health Services is continuing to investigate this phe- nomenon.

Update (11/03/14): Official research has shown that the SHIT is imagined, and that the hallucinations are a Seasonal Affective Disorder which tends to show symptoms during prelim season, finals season, and pumpkin spice latte season. Further research also indicates that all students affected by the SHIT tend to be students who have de- veloped self-destructive habits dur- ing their time in university, such as weekday alcohol consumption or Netflix binging.

Update (12/04/14): University admissions have recorded that more than 70% of the students suffering from SHIT related hallucinations are transferring to Ithaca College for the Spring 2015 semester.

Search for a Universal Ratio

Scientists around campus are scrambling to try and solve a problem that has haunted Cornell for years. The mathematical concept known as “The Ratio”, the key for freshman males getting into frat parties, remains undefined. Researchers swear they are inching closer every day as they believe new technology will allow them to make progress undreamed of decades ago.

The Ratio, of course, is the proportion of girls to guys in a pack of freshman. The Ratio has long been the most important aspect of freshman society. The right Ratio will lead to happy nights packed inside of overcrowded annexes with boundless amounts of Keystone Light; the wrong Ratio will mean a night of jacking off. Scientists are searching to find a universal constant for the Ratio that will guarantee any freshman admission into frat paradise. Till then, freshman will continue to suffer.

“I just want to get laid,” said one frosh roaming the streets of College Town. “But I can never get into any parties. Frat bros always laugh at my ratio.” A common misconception is that a freshman guy can simply go out with an immense number of girls and be fine. But a guy surrounded by too many girls may come off as a stalker or a pansy. And does a huge group of engineering girls have the same weight as a huge group of Alpha Phi girls? What about Ithaca College girls, do they count? Depending on the frat,
a guy may get sent packing even with a 100 I.C. girls.

Another problem in defining the Ratio is that of the Antiratio. This, of course, is when a guy manages to get into a frat party without having a higher number of girls than guys in his pack. Athletes, legacies, and that rich dude from Long Island, generally don’t need a great
ratio to get into a party. This goes directly against the Quantum Theory of the Frat Bro, which speculates that a good ratio is necessary for admission into a frat party. This phenomenon has puzzled scientists. “We see it all the time- a young man gets turned away with a 2 to 1 ratio while the freshman quarterback gets in with a 1 to 4,” said a researcher at Cornell’s Institute for Freshman Awareness (CIFA). “It’s not acceptable, and we won’t stand for this.”

Many factors must be taken into scientists’ calculations. The hotness of the girls, the amount of Vineyard Vines on the guy, and countless other aspects are taken into consideration. The amount of data being collected is enough to boggle even the most advanced of super computers. Even then, researchers are still confident that a formula for the Ratio will be ready within the next decade. “We’re working hard, and we will get this done,” said CIFA president Keith Stone. “If I see another freshman doing pushups for admission into a frat house, I’m going to be sick. Everyone should know exactly what ratio is needed for entry. It’s a basic human right.”