Most people only know me for my all-business side, but I’m actually a really funny guy. I love jokes, but even I understand that humor has its boundaries. You can’t just blurt out a racist joke without thinking about the people you might offend.
It is indeed sometimes hard to know where to draw the line between hilarious and hurtful. That’s why I have created my very own guidelines for the racist joke.
1) Target Jokes Towards the Inferior Races.
It goes without saying that some races are superior to others. If you want to be funny, you should never make a joke about the Aryans, for they are the flawless creed. Instead, make jokes about the grimier peoples that are more fun to laugh at (i.e. jews, gays, gypsies.)
2) Never make a joke about the Holocaust.
The Holocaust is no laughing matter; it is the greatest thing ever to happen to the Western hemisphere. To reduce it to a joke would be shameful.
3) With practical jokes, go big or go home.
Oftentimes, subtlety is lost on an audience. In one of the proudest moments in my comedy career, I lead a racial cleansing of Europe that killed 6 million people. But to ensure that people got the joke, I had to strike a very delicate balance. I decided that 6 million was the perfect number; just big enough to get people’s attention, however ironically merciful. (Ha! I mean why should anyone show mercy towards the jews?)
4) Know when to stop.
Exit with grace. Go out with a bang.
Macklemore, Seattle-based (white) rapper, wins Best (White) Rap Album at 2012 Grammy Awards.
Macklemore has said in interviews that he credits his success to being white and not hating gay people. He plans to title his forthcoming album I’m White and I Don’t Hate Gay People. Macklemore is heterosexual, however tolerant of alternative lifestyles. He is also white.
Chad Kreuger Recovers from Strep Throat, Starts Singing Normally.
After a decade and a half as lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kreuger has finally recovered from strep throat and has regained his normal singing voice. “Watch out, America. Smooth voiced Chad is coming at ya!,” a giddy Kreuger said at a recent press conference.
Kanye West to Turn Efforts away from Making Music, Towards Crafting Perfect Glue Formula.
“I’m a motherfucking genius, but music is not my only forte,” West said. West has expressed interest in exploring a new medium: adhesive paste. West is still perfecting his formula. “I want it to be sticky, but not like crazy sticky,” West says.
Look for YeezyGlue in stores everywhere, as early as May 2016.
The electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery. Eighty engineering students are all being charged with battery and aggravated assault because of a violent brawl they incited in the engineering quad on Saturday afternoon. It was further uncovered that the engineering students were all involved in an underground bareknuckle boxing ring which occurred regularly on Tuesday and Thursday nights in Phillips hall.
When asked about this, one engineering student responded,
“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
The students are also suspected of being involved in the recent spurts of physical violence and attempts to overthrow order in the free world on campus.
Reportedly, the incident that occurred on Saturday was the result of one arts and sciences student wandering to the engineering quad and boasting about all of the free time he has. The engineers reacted negatively to his lack of purpose in life and proceeded to pummel him. Unsatisfied with his lack of resistance, the engineers then began to attack each-other until police arrived 20 minutes later.
It is speculated that the violence among the electrical engineers can be an attempt to release stress.
When asked about possible motives for this outburst of violence, renowned psychologist Randall Mansfield stated,
“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
It is clear that there can be no one reason for this outburst, and school officials hope that this year’s dragon day will be violence free and no AAP students will be thrown down Libe Slope.
You sold me crummy pills.
I’ve got two papers due tomorrow
That I haven’t started still.
I heard this stuff’s the bomb
To get your focus on.
Why else would they pump pre-teens
With isomers of methamphetamine?
But I’ve made six trips to Lowe’s today
And my hair is turning gray.
I can’t find anything in the shed
‘Cept a Tom Clancy novel I’ve already read.
And I can’t stop humming the Grateful Dead
While visions of grill scrubbers dance through my head.
What’s that, you say? You sold me DADderal?
Well, now it all makes sense.
I think I’ll go and comb my ‘stache
And build a picket fence.
Scientists around campus are scrambling to try and solve a problem that has haunted Cornell for years. The mathematical concept known as “The Ratio”, the key for freshman males getting into frat parties, remains undefined. Researchers swear they are inching closer every day as they believe new technology will allow them to make progress undreamed of decades ago.
The Ratio, of course, is the proportion of girls to guys in a pack of freshman. The Ratio has long been the most important aspect of freshman society. The right Ratio will lead to happy nights packed inside of overcrowded annexes with boundless amounts of Keystone Light; the wrong Ratio will mean a night of jacking off. Scientists are searching to find a universal constant for the Ratio that will guarantee any freshman admission into frat paradise. Till then, freshman will continue to suffer.
“I just want to get laid,” said one frosh roaming the streets of College Town. “But I can never get into any parties. Frat bros always laugh at my ratio.” A common misconception is that a freshman guy can simply go out with an immense number of girls and be fine. But a guy surrounded by too many girls may come off as a stalker or a pansy. And does a huge group of engineering girls have the same weight as a huge group of Alpha Phi girls? What about Ithaca College girls, do they count? Depending on the frat,
a guy may get sent packing even with a 100 I.C. girls.
Another problem in defining the Ratio is that of the Antiratio. This, of course, is when a guy manages to get into a frat party without having a higher number of girls than guys in his pack. Athletes, legacies, and that rich dude from Long Island, generally don’t need a great
ratio to get into a party. This goes directly against the Quantum Theory of the Frat Bro, which speculates that a good ratio is necessary for admission into a frat party. This phenomenon has puzzled scientists. “We see it all the time- a young man gets turned away with a 2 to 1 ratio while the freshman quarterback gets in with a 1 to 4,” said a researcher at Cornell’s Institute for Freshman Awareness (CIFA). “It’s not acceptable, and we won’t stand for this.”
Many factors must be taken into scientists’ calculations. The hotness of the girls, the amount of Vineyard Vines on the guy, and countless other aspects are taken into consideration. The amount of data being collected is enough to boggle even the most advanced of super computers. Even then, researchers are still confident that a formula for the Ratio will be ready within the next decade. “We’re working hard, and we will get this done,” said CIFA president Keith Stone. “If I see another freshman doing pushups for admission into a frat house, I’m going to be sick. Everyone should know exactly what ratio is needed for entry. It’s a basic human right.”