LETTER TO THE EDITOR | Do You Think This Is a Fucking Joke?

To the Editor:

You really think this is all some kind of game, don’t you? You think you can just waltz in here, this sanctuary of entrepreneurship and innovation, and spread your “humorous” filth among the greatest business minds of our generation, nay, every generation? Well let me tell you friend, I am not going to let you sully and defile this holy space by cluttering it with your scrap paper “magazine.” eHub Staff needs to grant permission for organizations to distribute materials, and we “unfortunately” DO NOT GRANT PERMISSION! You can take your “Lunatic” magazine and shove it back into the disgusting hellhole from which it came. Who would want to read about your depraved, sick ideas of “daddies” anyway? I have only two daddies in my life, my biological father, a hardworking, honest businessman who taught me all his greatest techniques, and my holy Father Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Amen, who smiles down upon all my business ventures. No one needs any more daddies than that, and the mere suggestion of any more — let alone in some disgusting sexual sense — is pure nonsense and tomfoolery that I will not allow in my Temple of Start-up Culture.

Next time you think you’re going to want to have “fun” in here, think again. We will not stand for any kind of “humor” being spread in this sacred place. I have your sickening material collected and will hold on to them for the rest of day, but I will TOSS THEM IN THE RECYCLING if they are not picked up today. If it happens again, the authorities will be notified, and be thankful we did not get them involved this time. I pray that my holy Father Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Amen smites your sinful souls and condemns you to an eternity of failed business deals. I will now return to handling the business side of my new app. I won’t let scum like you know what it is, but it will be like Uber but with airborne jet-propelled craft that can carry hundreds of people on scheduled runs with fixed stops, and when we get bought out by Facebook, then you’ll be sorry!

With innovative entrepreneurship,

The eHub Team

AF ’20

 

Inside the Mind of the Great American Frat Bro

I’m fiscally conservative. But I listen to Kendrick Lamar and shit and I totally understand the black experience and I get it man ya know.

You guys wanna get pitchers after this?

I signed up for this philosophy class cause I thought it would be a good way to meet chicks. Didn’t think I’d be into the whole intellectual thing but turns out it’s actually pretty sick. The professor’s like this old dude with a beard. The shit he says is super like heady. I bet he slays.

Yo Albert Einstein was a fucking savage. Mozart too honestly.

Harriet Tubman wasn’t even that hot.

So I was railing this chick raw dog last night. And uh… yeah man… so what was I saying? Oh yeah, I was having sex with this female. And uhh… yeah… like when I was piping her I realized it just felt like really good to be that close with another person ya know?

Honestly fuck racism, man. That shit’s whack. Our house isn’t like a stereotypical racist frat. We have a couple black guys. We’re like super diverse and inclusive.

I’ll wreck you in 2k right now.

No thanks, I don’t smoke weed. Got any xans?

Zachary Mandell ’18

On-Campus Black Friday Deals

 

The holiday season is approaching, and with Thanksgiving already under our belts, it’s time to look forward to Christmas, and more importantly, Christmas shopping! You’re probably wondering, “I’ll be on campus, there’s no way I can take advantage of any Black Friday deals!” Well, that’s where you’re wrong, kiddo. Some on-campus locations are providing you all with door-busting deals that will knock your socks off.

We’ll start with the most obvious, The Cornell Store, where you can buy anything from mouse pads to menstrual pads for your loved ones. You’ll find a plethora of deals throughout the store on all of your favorite items, including a buy one get one free offer for products of over $50. However, to avoid losing too much revenue on items, The Cornell Store does not officially advertise this offer and it’s more of a “secret menu” type of deal. Once you pile up your McGangbang of electronics in your shopping basket, bring it to the cashier, who will gladly ring up your discounted goods. In the event that they’re unfamiliar with the sale, a small weapon like a knife or pizza roller will suffice as a sort of pseudo-coupon.

Don’t miss out on the other hotspot for deals: our beloved Nasties. Here you can take advantage of buying eight slices of buffalo-wing pizza for the price of seven! Tell your friends that dinner is on you tonight!

DISCLAIMER: We are legally obligated to remind you to shop at your own risk, due to the increased number of protesting students taking a knee against the term “Black Friday.”

Rajiv Kommareddy ‘19

Finding My Precious [Parka]

Last night, I was visited by Gandalf in a dream, and invited to go on the quest to find my perfect parka for the winter. We were having none of those namby-pamby synthetic non-down high-tech light jackets. I would go out and find the most hardy coat I could with features I would never use, to overcompensate for the pointlessness of my existence in general. I was reluctant about spending 2 hours of my time — time that would be better spent trying and failing to do my homework — on such a frivolous task. I mean, it wasn’t as if I could die or something, not having the best winter coat ever. Oh, on second thought…

Well, anyway, I didn’t want to die, or worse, hand in incomplete homework. So I went. I was dragged out of my Donlon-hole and on threat of death, went to the famed thrift store in the commons. Nope, I can’t afford Canada Goose.  At least, not yet.

“‘The Old Goat’ Gear Exchange” sounds like a harbinger of doom, but that’s where I went. I don’t have the patience or the persistence (unlike my colleague, Bilbo Baggins) to write a novel — or five — about my adventures there. Suffice it to say, I found a men’s coat a size too big that I bought home. My roommate did not approve.

Even as I write this, I second-guess myself and wonder whether I made the right decision. I’m googling the meaning of fill power, the differences between duck and goose down, and good and bad air pockets right now. Are my coat specs enough to get me through Ithaca’s winter? Just in case any of you better-informed readers can make sense of this stuff: It’s…actually, I can’t even bring myself to list it.

So, post war-adventure, any suggestions and tips on choosing winter clothes would be welcome! So would company when I inevitably go and try to exchange my current coat for another.

Disclaimer: Online shopping is not my thing. Any suggestions suggesting that will go straight to Sauron.

Kshama Sridevi Malavalli ’21

My Idea Notebook by Tucker Carlson

Boobed woman:
E lections will
N ot favor you
G ross woman
H A T E is what
A merica feels toward-
Z you
I gloo

B oundless like the wind
E nergetically, she destroyed us
N o to you, Shrillary!
G.
H ell
A pologize to the
millionZ of americans
I ’m sad

Benghazi B
Enghazi Be
Nghazi Ben
Ghazi Beng
Hazi Bengh
Azi Bengha
Zi Benghaz
I

Bill Clinton
Engulfed i-
N flamesG
H
Ahahahaha
Zebra
Iceberg lettuce

B et she can’t do
E leven chin-ups
N
G
H illary doesn’t lift .
A
Z ebra
I

B I T C H
E
N
G
H HillaryClinton
A
Z ebra
I

the B eatles
        E
        N
        G
        H
        A ren’t that good
        Z
        I

   B
   E ggs
   N
eGgs
   H
   A
   Z
    I         

Pegah Moradi ’19

VAMPIRE

VAMPIRE: Prepare to die, mere mortal, as on this All Hollow’s Eve, I will drink thy blood and live forever.

CAMERON: Lord, help me please- wait, Dylan, is that you?

VAMPIRE: What up, Cam? I heard you got a new job at a different firm here in New York. How’s it going?

CAMERON: Dylan, please tell me this isn’t about Sarah.

VAMPIRE: Wait, what? What did you do with Sarah?

CAMERON: Are you serious? This isn’t about me now seeing Sarah?

VAMPIRE: You are fucking my wife? Oh, now I’m definitely drinking your blood. No, I was not here because of Sarah.

CAMERON: Dammit, you know about Dani then.

VAMPIRE: Satan Almighty, Dani literally just turned 18 like last week.

CAMERON: I know, I know, but that somehow turned me on. I might have a problem.

VAMPIRE: No, really? In the name of Nosferatu, you are mine for dinner.

CAMERON: So I’m guessing you know about your son James too then.

VAMPIRE: The hell? He’s only in middle school, you sicko!

CAMERON: No, no, no. I just bit him, so he’s now turned.

VAMPIRE: Wait… you’re telling me you made him into a werewolf? Now my son is a disgusting half-bred mutt who will smell of carpet and eat super rare steaks!

CAMERON: Come on, don’t be racist now.

VAMPIRE: I was originally just going to take at most half a pint from you and later go to the bar to catch up with you, but now, I learned that you ruined my entire family.

CAMERON: Please, let me talk to my mummy before I die.

Happy Halloween, y’all.

Wilbert Ren ‘20

The Inconvenience

“Enter,” a cold, powerful voice boomed through the rich, mahogany doors.

Jenkins burst into the conference room with as much bravado as he could muster with a receding hairline and hemorrhoid cream musk. A figure stood across the room looking out at the skyline through the floor-to-ceiling windows.

A harried secretary panted into the room. “Mr. Buffman, I’m so sorry. I told Mr. Jenkins here that you were…” The shadowed man rose his hand and she quieted.

“No trouble, Alexis. This isn’t too much of an… inconvenience. You can get back to browsing r/birdswitharms.”

Jenkins was fuming. “Oh, this isn’t too inconvenient for you, is it? I don’t give a flying spacedick about whether this is convenient for you or not. We have two weeks, two bloody weeks, until MENO… and we have got nothing to show for it!”

Mr. Buffman chuckled to himself. “You paused for a moment after saying the conference name. MENO… pause…”

Jenkins sighed. “Yes, your humor is as evilly horrible and unfunny as r/funny, but it can not be entered into the Most Evil Nefarious Organization’s yearly conference!”

“Indeed,” the super villain CEO mused, turning to face his belligerent, balding companion. Buffman’s neckbeard twinkled in the afternoon gloom coming through the windows. He smoothed his ponytail back with lightly Cheeto-dusted fingers and leaned forward on his personal Segway towards Jenkins. “But we will not be leaving in the corporate submarine with nothing.”

“I don’t see how that is possible,” Jenkins said coolly. “Research spent the entire quarter doing analysis on optimizing how to better reduce corporate productivity. And Development blew their budget on robotically tightened pickle jars without realizing millennials are killing the pickle industry.

“We should look into increasing communication between those departments.” The pensive CEO dismounted from his monogrammed ride and started pacing. “Listen… I haven’t been completely honest with the board. I have a plan. But you must promise not to tell a single soul or comment bot… and no bamboozles.”

Jenkins looked as if his mother’s funeral came early. “Yes! We’re saved! I knew you must have something boss, no one’s ever been as evil as you since… well… Mike Myers in short intervals between 1997 and 2002. What is it, Mr. Buffman, you’ve gotta tell me!”

The CEO smiled. “You may find this hard to believe, but I promise every word of it is true. While I was fact-checking a particularly feisty brony on r/eltonjohn, I fell into a vat of toxic waste and developed mutant superpowers.”

Jenkins took a sip of water just in time to spit it out. “r/eltonjohn!? Bullshit, I always pegged you as a r/davidbowie guy for your flamboyant pop-rock star subreddit fix.”

Buffman continued, “I soon realized my newfound abilities and just how powerful they were.” He raised his hands and looked at them in awe. “And I used to think true power was getting Reddit gold for the first time…”

Jenkins’ jaw dropped. “W-what is this?”

Buffman looked him straight in his watery eyes. “This is exactly how we will sweep MENO and take home the Golden Six-Pack Rings, the most prestigious symbol of evil. Let me ask you something Jenkins… have you ever tried plugging in a typical USB-A cable?”

Jenkins gasped. “It’s impossible to do so correctly the first time! It always takes no less than three attempts. Scientists said it was a combination of quantum physics and Murphy’s Law… but it was you all along!?” Buffman nodded with a glint in his eye.

Jenkins’ mind was racing. “Yes, yes, that is truly evil, but now laptops and phones have the new reversible USB-C port. You can plug it in either way and it works. And many tech enthusiasts are saying this will be the one port for everything… it seems your power will be useless, sir.”

Mr. Buffman’s smile grew wider. “And I thought the same, my expository friend. But mutations allow us to adapt, to change for the better. So now I ask you this second also rhetorical question… when people try to use their new-fangled devices with the rest of the world’s own, how ever will they connect their computers and tablets and USB-powered popcorn launchers?

Dawning realization crept across Jenkin’s face. A cold sweat covered his body from his Dr. Scholl’s orthopedic inserts to underneath his custom business hairpiece.

“Dongles, Jenkins. Dongles large and dongles small. They will use my dongle simply because they must. An extra purchase to maintain the same functionality. Forged by Lucifer himself in the fires of Hell. Like your itchy toupee, Jenkins, it is truly the most evil and minor of inconveniences… yet.”

Matt Barker ’19

How Ugly Are You?

Nathan Spring ’19