Unfortunately, the reign of much beloved interim president Hunter R. Rawlings III is officially in Lame Duck season, as President-Elect Martha Pollack gets ready to be sworn into office. Her upset victory in the backdoor Board of Trustees meeting was a surprise to rivals Tony Daygo and Jack Pady. In a speech this week, she tried to put aside her embarrassing Dartmouth background with a moving speech in which she said:
“As a computer scientist, I know I can speak for all Cornell students. I promise to bring this divided university together and create a safe space for all members of our community, regardless of class year, grade point average, or blood alcohol content.”
Unfortunately, in a stunning miscalculation, she delivered the speech on Saturday afternoon at 1pm, receiving a record low turnout as the campus drunkenly stirred into consciousness. Says local media analyst and propaganda expert, Denice Cassaro: “Frankly, I have doubts as to whether Pollack has the ability to get and maintain people’s attention. I would recommend the time-tested tactic of daily high volume bombardment of neon comic sans.”
As to how Pollack will govern, look no further than her previous leadership at the University of Michigan. If history is any guide, we can expect on-campus Keystone Light consumption to double and Cornell’s floundering football team to be revamped into a Big Ten conference member. However, Pollack may find that bringing Ann Arbor to Ithaca is like bringing Democracy to Russia. Only time will tell. In the meantime, strap in…it’s gonna be a ride!
Use the arrow keys to play the Cornell Lunatic’s version of Hangman!
I was born in Queens in forty-six
to a mean old dad and learned real quick
that knives and bricks and stones and sticks
(although they’re good for breaking hips)
are pale beside a well timed quip,
a little snippet of insults dished
’bout wives or looks or nervous tics
and when they call you a bulbous prick
or say you’re pulling dirty tricks,
remind them you’ll wall out the spics—
they’ll clap and cheer and tick, tick, tick,
you’ll scoop the Oval Office quick.
Ithaca, NY – In a statement released in early September, the university officials have officially raised the planned tuition cost for the 2016-2017 academic year. Officials say it will increase by approximately $1,273, in order to offset the cost of the more than 100 planned events with free t-shirts. According to an unnamed representative, the increase in t-shirt distribution will allow for more specific designs to be given out, with plans for “t-shirts with event names, Cornell Store coupons, and even a new t-shirt for every day of November. T-shirts will include specific information such as geographical coordinates, time and date stamps, and map images, so you will know exactly where and when you received the free shirt.” For the more privileged students, a shirt woven from 18K gold thread will be distributed for free in limited supply, also to be fully subsidized by the increase in tuition. University officials hope that this move will help students to make lasting, geographically accurate memories of their time here at Cornell.
Ithaca, NY – A Hotel Management major was spotted doing homework in the Arts Quad on September 7, 2015. The first witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, recounts how his attempt to be friendly landed him in the hospital. As an engineering student, he had never met a Hotelie before. He stated, “I spotted her doing homework in the quad and decided to be friendly. When I asked her major, she said she was in Hotel Management. I don’t remember anything past that…suddenly, I was in the hospital and they were asking me what
Similar stories have been reported by the other six people hospitalized within that hour, with hospital officials reporting all seven show signs of shock including an increased pulse rate, dilated pupils, and fainting. The Hotelie declined to comment on this event.
Ithaca, NY – Recent police investigations have revealed the presence of meat extract in several of the campus’s allegedly vegan dishes. While initial research suggested the extract was a result of confusion in the kitchen, an anonymous tipster has come forth with new information detailing the massive coup staged by one unhappy cafeteria staff member. According to the new information, more than 20 middle-aged cafeteria staff members were involved in this violation of principle for the more than seventeen vegans on
According to the report, the disgruntled worker was motivated by a particularly rude student’s passing remark of her being a “basic bitch.” The worker then assembled a task force of equally unhappy workers, and together they began to add small amounts of chicken extract to many of the vegan dishes served. An unnamed member of the task force remarked “It was something to do, and it gave me great satisfaction to know that somewhere, a vegan was, in fact, consuming a small amount of meat
It is unknown whether the university will be pursuing action against the staff members involved at this point. According to one of the lawyers involved in considering the matter, the lawsuit “is it risk of being thrown out immediately due to the difficulty involved in creating a respectable name for the suit.”
Most people only know me for my all-business side, but I’m actually a really funny guy. I love jokes, but even I understand that humor has its boundaries. You can’t just blurt out a racist joke without thinking about the people you might offend.
It is indeed sometimes hard to know where to draw the line between hilarious and hurtful. That’s why I have created my very own guidelines for the racist joke.
1) Target Jokes Towards the Inferior Races.
It goes without saying that some races are superior to others. If you want to be funny, you should never make a joke about the Aryans, for they are the flawless creed. Instead, make jokes about the grimier peoples that are more fun to laugh at (i.e. jews, gays, gypsies.)
2) Never make a joke about the Holocaust.
The Holocaust is no laughing matter; it is the greatest thing ever to happen to the Western hemisphere. To reduce it to a joke would be shameful.
3) With practical jokes, go big or go home.
Oftentimes, subtlety is lost on an audience. In one of the proudest moments in my comedy career, I lead a racial cleansing of Europe that killed 6 million people. But to ensure that people got the joke, I had to strike a very delicate balance. I decided that 6 million was the perfect number; just big enough to get people’s attention, however ironically merciful. (Ha! I mean why should anyone show mercy towards the jews?)
4) Know when to stop.
Exit with grace. Go out with a bang.