Cornell Announces Plans to Reopen Campus to 150% Capacity

Cornell administration announced their reopening plans for the Fall 2020 semester some of which have raised eyebrows among students, parents, and faculty. While other universities within the Ivy League are considering staggering student entry dates or only allowing students of certain years to achieve 40-50% capacity, Cornell University has stated that it intends to “go above and beyond expectations”, opening to 150% capacity.

Some new guidelines for opening include:

  • Converting single rooms into doubles, doubles into quads, and quads into a room-covering mattress that the university hopes will house 8 or more students.
  • The overhaul of the entire Canvas website, used by teachers to post assignments, into an actual 60 square ft sheet of canvas paper that will be housed in Klarman Hall.
  • Mandatory field trips to COVID-19 wards within the state, to remind students how fortunate they are and to not take their health for granted.
  • A “behavioral contract” each student will be provided with that must be signed in ink by every student and faculty member on campus.
  • A hybrid of in-person, online, and “enhanced in-person” classes, where students will be required to be inside the classroom and bring two other students to audit the class.
  • Temporary closing of all dining halls and restaurants except for Cafe Jennie.

“Cornell University has always had a passion for excellence. We were among the last of the Ivies to close, and now we will be among the first to massively fuck up reopening,” stated Cornell board of directors member Angela Preston. “Cornell can only hope that after this impending catastrophe, we will stop being made fun of as “not an Ivy” on Facebook meme pages.”

Wow! Sounds like we’re in for a memorable fall semester! Whether you’re planning on packing your bags frantically (again) in October, having a long af Q-tip shoved up your nose again and again, or deferring to take some time off and watch the country crumble, make sure you take plenty of pictures! If you’re not pawning your camera for Remdesivir that is….

By Carlos Po


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