You just know Hollywood’s gonna relish in the last year, for at least the next twenty. So here’s a handy guide to some movie ideas I plucked straight out of the minds of movie execs. Original ideas, please don’t steal!
From A24 comes another movie about a grad student, probably played by Amanda Seyfreid. She’s trying to finish her dissertation on Medieval History, but since she’s been stuck in her surprisingly spacious apartment, she’s begun to see things out of the corners of her eyes…. is she being haunted by medieval Black Death victims? Well, no, even if that would make a much more enjoyable movie. This is another ‘mundane horror’ minus the ‘horror’, she’s actually just sad about the death of her boyfriend.
Observe unflinchingly as the 2 and a half hour film costs 6 million dollars, makes 74 million, and gets an 89% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but subverts your expectations of a movie that is ‘fun to watch’. Thrill as you experience the long-awaited 18 minute continuous shot of the protagonist eating breakfast, trying to type on a computer, and then giving up, tossing the computer, and crying that film Twitter will tell you is an Oscar-worthy feat of cinematography, but really just looks like a typical day of online classes!
Gasp as the trailer seems to promise amazingly rendered demons, ghosts, and abominations, then sigh when they get 3 seconds of screentime to symbolize the protagonist’s ‘mental demons’. Just make sure to watch a few Youtube videos so if anyone taks about the masterful themes of grief and depression, you won’t look stupid.
Master of the House (2022)
In the feel-good story of the year from Universal Studios, Woody Harrelson plays a cold-hearted landlord who cuts off power to and evicts tenants behind on their rent during a pandemic. But through babysitting an 8 year old Asian girl whose mom is an ICU nurse, he learns to become a better and more moral landlord.
Cry as he spends 20 dollars of his hard-earned money to buy envelopes for his tenants to put their rent in. Grab the tissues as he accepts an out-of-work cleaning lady who he knows might not always make rent in time, and even lets her clean his apartment once a month. Sob loudly as you watch his character develop from a total asshole who makes up reasons to keep the entire security deposit, into a kindhearted angel who only keeps half. You’ll be smiling so hard you’ll want to tip your landlord an extra 20%.
You’ve kept up with the vaccine news, but have you ever wondered what it would be like if the people behind it said ‘fuck’ and beat their spouses? In Needlepoint, watch HBO turn the vaccine and pharmaceutical industry into an edgy 10-episode tale of sex, lies, and deception. After an intro consisting of a dad-rock song over slow-motion shots of pills falling, cringe as the screenwriters try to ‘humanize’ a pharma exec played by a dude like Brendon Gleeson. He’ll make morally grey decisions like restricting vaccine patents because ‘we need to pay our janitors’, and he’ll look good because his co-star will be a Martin Shkreli-tier asshole who’ll be banging secretaries instead of pharmacizing.
Then worry as fan after fan claim that they are ‘literally’ the main character after he downs whiskey before his daughter’s online parent teacher conference, or call him a ‘prime alpha male’ while he downloads Tinder and preys on college freshmen out of boredom. Can’t wait to tell every person I know to watch this one!
The Old Normal (2022)
In this documentary someone probably tossed out there during a Netflix board meeting and everyone was like ‘fuck it, why not’, let celebrities (maybe a funny one like John Mulaney or Lil Nas X) tell you what life would have been like in 2020 if the pandemic…never happened! Pick your jaw up off the floor as the Tokyo Olympics go off without a hitch, the deaths of Kobe Bryant and Chadwick Boseman are made non-canon, and Bernie Sanders wins the 2020 election with AOC as his running mate. As Team Trump goes blasting off again, the evil is finally defeated and the world can finally return to the perfect state it was in!
Roll your eyes as it ends on a lukewarm message about capitalism without actually saying the C-word itself, or really anything at all. Then, brace for viral tweet after viral tweet from the mansions of blue-checkmarked celebrities like Mark Ruffalo about how watching “Old Normal” is a painful experience and a ‘reminder of the world we left behind’. Yeah, I bet it is, asshole.
Whew, that’s a lot of great content to look forward to, and I didn’t even have space to get to the first season of Corona-Chan Is Trying To Make New Friends! Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up on these and more when you’re stuck at home again during the next wave.
Carlos Po, ’23