How to Turn the Dial Up on Global Warming
For years, politicians, climatologists, and my obnoxious neighbor Bethany have been telling me over and over that the globe warming up and that the ice caps are melting and polar bears are dying. But it’s pretty clear after the negative degree weather we’ve been experiencing and the snowball in my hand right now that global warming is a conspiracy by the neo-Marxist-facists and Martha Pollack to coerce us, the people, into being vegans and paying thousands to make Cornell sustainable.
In fact, if the polar vortex has taught us anything, it’s that we should be focusing on making the globe warmer, not colder. Who needs Florida anyway? I want Ithaca winters to be as mild as Australia in Christmas. Here are some ideas I have to make this happen:
- Gather your notebooks and textbooks and quartercards and make a bonfire big enough to give Californians flashbacks. If we get enough fuel, we should be able to raise the average temperature on campus. No longer will we have to wear three layers and waddle up the slope.
- Eat as much beef as humanly possible (and inhumanly possible if necessarily). Eat so much beef that you end up becoming a cow. Then you can sit back and enjoy knowing that every fart not only stinks up your shitty neighbors apartment, but it also contributes to the atmosphere’s greenhouse gases, making her even more angry.
- Tell everyone you know that it’s too late and that the earth is doomed so we might as well enjoy life the way we want. Deride anyone’s attempt at making their life sustainable as naive and ineffective, but be sure to avoid any mention of creating systemic change or holding corporations responsible. Focus on your comfort because YOLO, amiright?
Send in any ideas you might have and together we can Make Ithaca Warm for Once (MIWO).
KX ’21
