Yeah, we’re family-unfriendly. Unethical? Unquestionably! And boy, you better believe we’re inappropriate. We are the Lunatic, and we’re not ashamed to be lunatics. We are lunatics, because we don’t shy away from topics that make everyone else cower in fear. We’re not afraid to write about our desperate desires to be fucked by subway trains, what constitutes a head that’s too round, or our favorite snacks to eat during a mass shooting. No moral authority can stop us from musing on the connection between local Ithaca eateries and Madonna’s vagina, or on Young Sheldon sparking communist revolution. We aren’t afraid to ask provocative questions, like “should you fuck your mom?” or “should you throw a gatorade bottle full of pee-pee at your enemies?” That’s what makes us subversive, and that’s what makes us the most dangerous magazine at Cornell.
Writing for the Cornell Lunatic is the new punk rock. We are the rebels of this campus, unafraid to hold a mirror up to the dark corners of our society through the power of dark humor. We will never stop publishing our tomes of pure truth and biting satire twice a year too late in the semester to be able to distribute it and have any impact. If we don’t use our prescient parodies to point out the absurdity of the society we live in (and by all standards, we certainly live in one), no one else will. To write for the Lunatic is to defend freedom itself, and we will never stop scrawling out our family-unfriendly, unethical, and inappropriate punk rock prose and sending it out into the world, for this is the last line of defense we have for free expression and punk rock in this bubble gum pop society.
by Alec Faber