The Ultimate Foolproof Guide for Getting Laid

Spending your Valentine’s Day alone as usual? Not to worry! Over here at The Cornell Lunatic, we are very knowledgeable on how to initiate and engage in the sex. Like I had to remind you anyways. Thus, in an unprecedented act of generosity, we have released the most comprehensive guide on how to obtain your genitalia of choice. The secret you’ve been missing out on for your entire life: these scorching-hot Spongebob pick-up lines. I guarantee you that there’ll be a line that suits any situation you might find yourself in. Need to playfully show consent to your partner? Try number 26. Want to show your partner just how much of a sex god you are? Number 43 should do the trick. Are you just really perverted? Number 36 never fails.

What if your desired partner never watched Spongebob, you ask? Get that uncultured swine away from your privates then, you easy piece of shit. Without further ado:

1. Is your name Eugene? Because I want you to give me pubic Krabs.
2. Do you think the Spongebob musical sucked? You’ve never had oral sex with me then.
3. Just like the show, I’ll never stop.  
4. I’ll fuck your brains out so you end up like Patrick.
5. You can take off my Bikini Bottoms.
6. Your vagina is more juicy than the most flavorful Krabby Patty.
7. Like Pearl the sperm whale, my sperm will cause you to become a single parent.
8. Netflix and chill? More like Nickelodeon with my dick loading.
9. Spongebob might worship the magic conch, but you’ll worship my magic coochie.
10. You fucked me so hard, I purred louder than Gary.
11. It’s the Best Day Ever when you take a swim in my Goo Lagoon.
12. I’ll get crafty with my Magic Pencil.
13. Mayonnaise might not be an instrument, but your orgasmic screeching is.  
14. I wear Squarepants but I got some voluptuous Sandy Cheeks.
15. I’d definitely dine at your Cum Bucket.
16. Spongebob and Patrick aren’t the only ones fishing for clams today ;)
17. Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs? Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabbs?
18. Blow me like Squidward’s clarinet.
19. I’ll let you touch my SpongeBoobs.
20. If nautical nonsense be something you wish, (Spongebob Squarepants!), then drop on this dick and flop like a fish, (Spongebob Squarepants!)
21. Hey girl, let’s go to my place and wumbo.
22. Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath. Ravioli, ravioli, great big queef.
23. You can call me Pinhead tonight as long as we get to do the Dirty Dan.
24. If I scored with you, it’d be a Sweet Victory.
25. Squidward Testicles or octopussy? Your choice.
26. You might not have passed boating school, you’ve got a license to ride up on this dick.
27. Draw me like one of your Squidward portraits.
28. The writers of Spongebob are covertly sadistic, but I’ll let you know right now that I’m into BDSM.
29. I thought of something funnier than 24… your ex’s foot fetish.
30. My dick is the Hash-Slinging Slasher.
31. I’ll whip out my 7-mile spanking machine tonight ;)
32. [French narrator]: One eternity later… and you’re still hella bangable.
33. Spongebob made Squidward a sweater out of his tears, but even better, you can make a sweater out of my pubic hair.
34. You’ll definitely feel a sting in my Jellyfish Fields.
35. I’ll make you squeal louder than when Squilliam lost in the “Band Geeks” episode.
36. Please vomit on me; I want my genitals to be the same color as the Flying Dutchman.
37. Make sure you go Potty (the Parrot) after you have sex with me to prevent UTIs.
38. Plankton is short by my dick isn’t.
39. I promise my shaven pubes aren’t as prickly as a pineapple.
40. Give me head like Squidward’s house.
41. You won’t want to miss the panty raid ;)
42. I’m a Y7 in the streets, but an R in the sheets.
43. I last longer than Spongebob’s appearance in the Super Bowl.
44. My circumcised penis when erect looks like Squidward’s head.
45. I smell a smelly smell that smells… like your vaginal discharge.
46. The inner machinations of my clitoris are an enigma.
47. Do you have your dining sock on? Cuz you’re going to eat this ass tonight.
48. “F” is for friends who fuck. “U” is for u and me. “N” is for anywhere and anytime.
49. You make me harder than Karen’s hardware.
50. My ass is puffier than Mrs. Puff.

A.S.