University raises tuition, increases quantity of free T-shirts

Ithaca, NY – In a statement released in early September, the university officials have officially raised the planned tuition cost for the 2016-2017 academic year.  Officials say it will increase by approximately $1,273, in order to offset the cost of the more than 100 planned events with free t-shirts.  According to an unnamed representative, the increase in t-shirt distribution will allow for more specific designs to be given out, with plans for “t-shirts with event names, Cornell Store coupons, and even a new t-shirt for every day of November.  T-shirts will include specific information such as geographical coordinates, time and date stamps, and map images, so you will know exactly where and when you received the free shirt.”  For the more privileged students, a shirt woven from 18K gold thread will be distributed for free in limited supply, also to be fully subsidized by the increase in tuition.  University officials hope that this move will help students to make lasting, geographically accurate memories of their time here at Cornell.

Hotelie Caught Doing Homework, 7 Hospitalized

Ithaca, NY – A Hotel Management major was spotted doing homework in the Arts Quad on September 7, 2015.  The first witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, recounts how his attempt to be friendly landed him in the hospital.  As an engineering student, he had never met a Hotelie before.  He stated, “I spotted her doing homework in the quad and decided to be friendly.  When I asked her major, she said she was in Hotel Management.  I don’t remember anything past that…suddenly, I was in the hospital and they were asking me what 

Similar stories have been reported by the other six people hospitalized within that hour, with hospital officials reporting all seven show signs of shock including an increased pulse rate, dilated pupils, and fainting.  The Hotelie declined to comment on this event.

Disgruntled Cafeteria Worker Caught in Vegan Food Forgery

Ithaca, NY – Recent police investigations have revealed the presence of meat extract in several of the campus’s allegedly vegan dishes.  While initial research suggested the extract was a result of confusion in the kitchen, an anonymous tipster has come forth with new information detailing the massive coup staged by one unhappy cafeteria staff member.  According to the new information, more than 20 middle-aged cafeteria staff members were involved in this violation of principle for the more than seventeen vegans on 

According to the report, the disgruntled worker was motivated by a particularly rude student’s passing remark of her being a “basic bitch.”  The worker then assembled a task force of equally unhappy workers, and together they began to add small amounts of chicken extract to many of the vegan dishes served.  An unnamed member of the task force remarked “It was something to do, and it gave me great satisfaction to know that somewhere, a vegan was, in fact, consuming a small amount of meat

It is unknown whether the university will be pursuing action against the staff members involved at this point.  According to one of the lawyers involved in considering the matter, the lawsuit “is it risk of being thrown out immediately due to the difficulty involved in creating a respectable name for the suit.”

 

Yakarma Scores Spike in Anticipation of Yik Yak FWS

Ithaca, NY – University officials have recently added a new FWS based entirely on the usage habits of Yik Yak.  Students will be encouraged to “ride the Yak” as part of each of their assignments.  Essays will be graded for content, grammar, and Yakarma scores.  As is customary with any FWS, initial enrollment will limited to 18 students, despite more than 30 lonely men registering their interest in an anonymous survey more than two weeks ago.   According to the Writing Department, selections for the class will be prioritized by college, with Hotelies being given first priority because “students without real homework will tend to be successful in this seminar due to its focus on procrastination”.

PHIL 1205: Intercultural Dialogue in the Yik Yak Age, will be offered beginning in the spring 2015 semester.  Other rumored additions to the FWS catalog include “PSYCH 1721: Tinder and the Modern Relationship”, and “WRIT 1120: Intro to Homework for Hotel Management Majors”.  Both have been confirmed to be under development by university officials, but only PHIL 1205 has been confirmed to be offered for the upcoming spring semester.

 

Top 10 Things Every College Student Should Know!

  1. The quickest way to get to the airport is by plane
  2. Cell phones were actually invented in 1931 and old people are just really good at keeping secrets
  3. Staring at the sun between classes is a good way to remove the stress from your eyeballs
  4. Floss is for suckers
  5. Grades aren’t real. If you believe in grades you might as well believe in equality
  6. Eating alone is a power move that shows you take risks
  7. Networking is like masturbating with your personality
  8. Everyone loves fireworks
  9. Buy one get one free is a binding legal contract
  10. Every knife is a throwing knife if you don’t mind getting it dirty

The Art of the Racist Joke — by Adolf Hitler

Most people only know me for my all-business side, but I’m actually a really funny guy. I love jokes, but even I understand that humor has its boundaries. You can’t just blurt out a racist joke without thinking about the people you might offend.

It is indeed sometimes hard to know where to draw the line between hilarious and hurtful. That’s why I have created my very own guidelines for the racist joke.

1) Target Jokes Towards the Inferior Races.
It goes without saying that some races are superior to others. If you want to be funny, you should never make a joke about the Aryans, for they are the flawless creed. Instead, make jokes about the grimier peoples that are more fun to laugh at (i.e. jews, gays, gypsies.)

2) Never make a joke about the Holocaust.
The Holocaust is no laughing matter; it is the greatest thing ever to happen to the Western hemisphere. To reduce it to a joke would be shameful.

3) With practical jokes, go big or go home.
Oftentimes, subtlety is lost on an audience. In one of the proudest moments in my comedy career, I lead a racial cleansing of Europe that killed 6 million people. But to ensure that people got the joke, I had to strike a very delicate balance. I decided that 6 million was the perfect number; just big enough to get people’s attention, however ironically merciful. (Ha! I mean why should anyone show mercy towards the jews?)

4) Know when to stop.
Exit with grace. Go out with a bang.

Moments in Recent Music History

Macklemore, Seattle-based (white) rapper, wins Best (White) Rap Album at 2012 Grammy Awards.
Macklemore has said in interviews that he credits his success to being white and not hating gay people. He plans to title his forthcoming album I’m White and I Don’t Hate Gay People. Macklemore is heterosexual, however tolerant of alternative lifestyles. He is also white.

Chad Kreuger Recovers from Strep Throat, Starts Singing Normally.
After a decade and a half as lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kreuger has finally recovered from strep throat and has regained his normal singing voice. “Watch out, America. Smooth voiced Chad is coming at ya!,” a giddy Kreuger said at a recent press conference.

Kanye West to Turn Efforts away from Making Music, Towards Crafting Perfect Glue Formula.
“I’m a motherfucking genius, but music is not my only forte,” West said. West has expressed interest in exploring a new medium: adhesive paste. West is still perfecting his formula. “I want it to be sticky, but not like crazy sticky,” West says.
Look for YeezyGlue in stores everywhere, as early as May 2016.

Electrical engineers discover new type of battery

The electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery. Eighty engineering students are all being charged with battery and aggravated assault because of a violent brawl they incited in the engineering quad on Saturday afternoon. It was further uncovered that the engineering students were all involved in an underground bareknuckle boxing ring which occurred regularly on Tuesday and Thursday nights in Phillips hall.

When asbatpic_notmineked about this, one engineering student responded,

“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”

The students are also suspected of being involved in the recent spurts of physical violence and attempts to overthrow order in the free world on campus.

Reportedly, the incident that occurred on Saturday was the result of one arts and sciences student wandering to the engineering quad and boasting about all of the free time he has. The engineers reacted negatively to his lack of purpose in life and proceeded to pummel him. Unsatisfied with his lack of resistance, the engineers then began to attack each-other until police arrived 20 minutes later.

It is speculated that the violence among the electrical engineers can be an attempt to release stress.

When asked about possible motives for this outburst of violence, renowned psychologist Randall Mansfield stated,

“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”

It is clear that there can be no one reason for this outburst, and school officials hope that this year’s dragon day will be violence free and no AAP students will be thrown down Libe Slope.