Washed-up Authors begin Collaboration on Sequel to Classic Novel

The Community of Rundown Authors and Publishers announced a project to rewrite Fahrenheit 451 for the modern American audience. Publisher Ballantine Books, famous for its original run of Fahrenheit 451, has already signed on to pub- lish this new classic. Fahrenheit 452, scheduled for publication in early 2015, tells the story of Guy Hashtag, a 21st century employee living in a world where iPhones are required to be damaged. Through- out the novel, Hashtag shatters and bends iPhones, stopping occasionally to drop a call by holding the phone incorrectly. When asked why 452, the Community respond- ed: “452 oF is the temperature at which the Apple A8X processor is no longer able to run apps such as Tinder and Yik Yak, and we believe this will help to connect with our audiences.”

Publisher’s summary:

Nowadays, Apple Geniuses destroy phones. Genius Guy Hashtag loves to rush to an iPhone and watch the metal bend and the glass shatter. Then he met a seventeen-year old girl who told him of a past when people were not obsessed with 2-year contract upgrades, and a professor who told him of a future where people could read the news without charging their batteries. And Guy Hashtag knew what he had to do…

Recent Shift in Time-Space Continuum Enables Long-Distance Nagging

Ithaca, NY– On October 5th, a student (name withheld) reported “repeated instances of nagging and guilt-tripping” to CUPD. Days later, the student was checked into Gannett Health Services for “hallucinations and mental instability”. Since then, numerous reports of what is now being referred to as “Imagined Procrastination Disorder” have been reported in colleges and universities across the northeastern United States. Engineering students suffering from IPD have spent several weeks researching it, and have determined that the cur- rent “Space-Heading Interpolation Timeframe shift” is allowing par- ents to nag their children over long distances. Says one Cornellian,”My mom loves to tell me to get to work, but lately I just can’t deal with the SHIT!” According to reports, the SHIT causes issues primarily for architecture and engineering stu- dents. Gannett Health Services is continuing to investigate this phe- nomenon.

Update (11/03/14): Official research has shown that the SHIT is imagined, and that the hallucinations are a Seasonal Affective Disorder which tends to show symptoms during prelim season, finals season, and pumpkin spice latte season. Further research also indicates that all students affected by the SHIT tend to be students who have de- veloped self-destructive habits dur- ing their time in university, such as weekday alcohol consumption or Netflix binging.

Update (12/04/14): University admissions have recorded that more than 70% of the students suffering from SHIT related hallucinations are transferring to Ithaca College for the Spring 2015 semester.

Search for a Universal Ratio

Scientists around campus are scrambling to try and solve a problem that has haunted Cornell for years. The mathematical concept known as “The Ratio”, the key for freshman males getting into frat parties, remains undefined. Researchers swear they are inching closer every day as they believe new technology will allow them to make progress undreamed of decades ago.

The Ratio, of course, is the proportion of girls to guys in a pack of freshman. The Ratio has long been the most important aspect of freshman society. The right Ratio will lead to happy nights packed inside of overcrowded annexes with boundless amounts of Keystone Light; the wrong Ratio will mean a night of jacking off. Scientists are searching to find a universal constant for the Ratio that will guarantee any freshman admission into frat paradise. Till then, freshman will continue to suffer.

“I just want to get laid,” said one frosh roaming the streets of College Town. “But I can never get into any parties. Frat bros always laugh at my ratio.” A common misconception is that a freshman guy can simply go out with an immense number of girls and be fine. But a guy surrounded by too many girls may come off as a stalker or a pansy. And does a huge group of engineering girls have the same weight as a huge group of Alpha Phi girls? What about Ithaca College girls, do they count? Depending on the frat,
a guy may get sent packing even with a 100 I.C. girls.

Another problem in defining the Ratio is that of the Antiratio. This, of course, is when a guy manages to get into a frat party without having a higher number of girls than guys in his pack. Athletes, legacies, and that rich dude from Long Island, generally don’t need a great
ratio to get into a party. This goes directly against the Quantum Theory of the Frat Bro, which speculates that a good ratio is necessary for admission into a frat party. This phenomenon has puzzled scientists. “We see it all the time- a young man gets turned away with a 2 to 1 ratio while the freshman quarterback gets in with a 1 to 4,” said a researcher at Cornell’s Institute for Freshman Awareness (CIFA). “It’s not acceptable, and we won’t stand for this.”

Many factors must be taken into scientists’ calculations. The hotness of the girls, the amount of Vineyard Vines on the guy, and countless other aspects are taken into consideration. The amount of data being collected is enough to boggle even the most advanced of super computers. Even then, researchers are still confident that a formula for the Ratio will be ready within the next decade. “We’re working hard, and we will get this done,” said CIFA president Keith Stone. “If I see another freshman doing pushups for admission into a frat house, I’m going to be sick. Everyone should know exactly what ratio is needed for entry. It’s a basic human right.”

A Commentary on Sexual Identity in a Post–Star Wars Culture

Scott Gibsley

They say that every straight guy is allowed one man-crush. For me, the clear winner by far is Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about those scaly eye stalks and voice that really does it for me. Just imagine the sound of him—“Ooh mooey mooey meesa love you!” and tell me that doesn’t make you want to use the Dark Side of the Force on that rockin’ alien bod.

Now, some men develop obsessions around their favorite athlete, for example, and more often than not they’ll assert wholeheartedly that there’s nothing sexual about their fanship. Me, I don’t get it. One, it’s just an athlete; what’s the big deal? Two, don’t you dare pretend for a second that Jar Jar deserves only platonic love. Give in to the tantalizing siren call that is his very essence. It’s a common misconception that George Lucas wrote the character in as comic relief. Not true. He’s what some refer to as “fanservice.” You watch an intense Jedi light saber duel for a couple minutes, then you sit back and
enjoy some eye-candy in the form of a Gungan from the planet Naboo. Sex sells, and Lucas knows it.

There have also been accusations that Jar Jar’s personality fosters racist undertones, even comparing the performance to blackface. But consider the social context of the film’s release in 1999 America, and you’ll see that this only makes the whole thing even hotter. Interracial marriage had been forbidden by law in over a dozen US states only thirty-two years prior to the premiere of Episode I. That means that below the Mason-Dixon line, folks would have lusted after Jar Jar like forbidden fruit. And to merge two movie quotes from the great filmmakers Kubrick and Lucas, that makes meesa horny.