This article will tell you how to get over your fears of having sex with fruit. Some of you out there enjoy a nice pickle tickle. It’s only natural. Having sex with food is one thing, we’ve all fucked the occasional carrot or potato, but sometimes we all need something a little sweeter. Sometimes we need a fruit. But sometimes, we’re scared to fuck fruits. We’ve all been mortified by that YouTube video of that girl giving grapefruit oral sex tips. That can be very intimidating. Grapefruits are very large fruit. But sometimes you can get just as much pleasure from much smaller fruits.
Peaches are inherently the same as butts. If you fuck a peach, it’s essentially anal. Just watch out for the pit. If it helps, pretend you’re fucking an elderly man with prostate cancer. Trust me, it feels just the same.
Move onto something larger, like a watermelon.
Yep. I know it looks intimidating, but just shove the entire thing up there. Or cut a hole out and have fun. Sculpt it as you wish. Just imagine these melons are human testicles, because watermelons feel exactly like human testicles. If that doesn’t scare you, speak to a doctor. You probably have testicular cancer. Or maybe you’ve been neutered. In which case, also call a doctor. Or maybe you’re a woman. In which case, I’m sorry you have to fuck fruit. There’s someone out there for you. Keep trying. I’m single, by the way. And alone. Very alone. I’m just extending the article so I look smarter because I’ve written more. Please help. I want someone to hold while I peel back their skin and fuck them—-wait no those are fruits, not people. I often confuse the two. I just want to bite into something juicy and have its liquids spill all over—-wait no, still fruit. My bad.
I just want to feel something, anything at this point, and if that means I have to kidnap someone and hold them hostage in my basement until their skin loses all pigment from not being exposed to the sun, the so be it. If it means I have to go to dog shelters and gouge out their eyes and make them into a necklace and feed it to other dogs, then so be it. If it means I have to fuck a fruit to remember what it’s like to be alive, then so be it. Because fucking fruit is not just about feeling less alone, it’s about salvaging humanity where possible, falling prey the basic human instincts and lust, the primal urges within us that tempt us to go where society tells us not to. I say, fuck. a. fruit.