The electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery. Eighty engineering students are all being charged with battery and aggravated assault because of a violent brawl they incited in the engineering quad on Saturday afternoon. It was further uncovered that the engineering students were all involved in an underground bareknuckle boxing ring which occurred regularly on Tuesday and Thursday nights in Phillips hall.
When asked about this, one engineering student responded,
“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
The students are also suspected of being involved in the recent spurts of physical violence and attempts to overthrow order in the free world on campus.
Reportedly, the incident that occurred on Saturday was the result of one arts and sciences student wandering to the engineering quad and boasting about all of the free time he has. The engineers reacted negatively to his lack of purpose in life and proceeded to pummel him. Unsatisfied with his lack of resistance, the engineers then began to attack each-other until police arrived 20 minutes later.
It is speculated that the violence among the electrical engineers can be an attempt to release stress.
When asked about possible motives for this outburst of violence, renowned psychologist Randall Mansfield stated,
“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
It is clear that there can be no one reason for this outburst, and school officials hope that this year’s dragon day will be violence free and no AAP students will be thrown down Libe Slope.
You sold me crummy pills.
I’ve got two papers due tomorrow
That I haven’t started still.
I heard this stuff’s the bomb
To get your focus on.
Why else would they pump pre-teens
With isomers of methamphetamine?
But I’ve made six trips to Lowe’s today
And my hair is turning gray.
I can’t find anything in the shed
‘Cept a Tom Clancy novel I’ve already read.
And I can’t stop humming the Grateful Dead
While visions of grill scrubbers dance through my head.
What’s that, you say? You sold me DADderal?
Well, now it all makes sense.
I think I’ll go and comb my ‘stache
And build a picket fence.
Scientists around campus are scrambling to try and solve a problem that has haunted Cornell for years. The mathematical concept known as “The Ratio”, the key for freshman males getting into frat parties, remains undefined. Researchers swear they are inching closer every day as they believe new technology will allow them to make progress undreamed of decades ago.
The Ratio, of course, is the proportion of girls to guys in a pack of freshman. The Ratio has long been the most important aspect of freshman society. The right Ratio will lead to happy nights packed inside of overcrowded annexes with boundless amounts of Keystone Light; the wrong Ratio will mean a night of jacking off. Scientists are searching to find a universal constant for the Ratio that will guarantee any freshman admission into frat paradise. Till then, freshman will continue to suffer.
“I just want to get laid,” said one frosh roaming the streets of College Town. “But I can never get into any parties. Frat bros always laugh at my ratio.” A common misconception is that a freshman guy can simply go out with an immense number of girls and be fine. But a guy surrounded by too many girls may come off as a stalker or a pansy. And does a huge group of engineering girls have the same weight as a huge group of Alpha Phi girls? What about Ithaca College girls, do they count? Depending on the frat,
a guy may get sent packing even with a 100 I.C. girls.
Another problem in defining the Ratio is that of the Antiratio. This, of course, is when a guy manages to get into a frat party without having a higher number of girls than guys in his pack. Athletes, legacies, and that rich dude from Long Island, generally don’t need a great
ratio to get into a party. This goes directly against the Quantum Theory of the Frat Bro, which speculates that a good ratio is necessary for admission into a frat party. This phenomenon has puzzled scientists. “We see it all the time- a young man gets turned away with a 2 to 1 ratio while the freshman quarterback gets in with a 1 to 4,” said a researcher at Cornell’s Institute for Freshman Awareness (CIFA). “It’s not acceptable, and we won’t stand for this.”
Many factors must be taken into scientists’ calculations. The hotness of the girls, the amount of Vineyard Vines on the guy, and countless other aspects are taken into consideration. The amount of data being collected is enough to boggle even the most advanced of super computers. Even then, researchers are still confident that a formula for the Ratio will be ready within the next decade. “We’re working hard, and we will get this done,” said CIFA president Keith Stone. “If I see another freshman doing pushups for admission into a frat house, I’m going to be sick. Everyone should know exactly what ratio is needed for entry. It’s a basic human right.”
They say that every straight guy is allowed one man-crush. For me, the clear winner by far is Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about those scaly eye stalks and voice that really does it for me. Just imagine the sound of him—“Ooh mooey mooey meesa love you!” and tell me that doesn’t make you want to use the Dark Side of the Force on that rockin’ alien bod.
Now, some men develop obsessions around their favorite athlete, for example, and more often than not they’ll assert wholeheartedly that there’s nothing sexual about their fanship. Me, I don’t get it. One, it’s just an athlete; what’s the big deal? Two, don’t you dare pretend for a second that Jar Jar deserves only platonic love. Give in to the tantalizing siren call that is his very essence. It’s a common misconception that George Lucas wrote the character in as comic relief. Not true. He’s what some refer to as “fanservice.” You watch an intense Jedi light saber duel for a couple minutes, then you sit back and
enjoy some eye-candy in the form of a Gungan from the planet Naboo. Sex sells, and Lucas knows it.
There have also been accusations that Jar Jar’s personality fosters racist undertones, even comparing the performance to blackface. But consider the social context of the film’s release in 1999 America, and you’ll see that this only makes the whole thing even hotter. Interracial marriage had been forbidden by law in over a dozen US states only thirty-two years prior to the premiere of Episode I. That means that below the Mason-Dixon line, folks would have lusted after Jar Jar like forbidden fruit. And to merge two movie quotes from the great filmmakers Kubrick and Lucas, that makes meesa horny.