Dear Brothers and Sisters of this beloved parish Our Lady of Guadalupe St Francis of Assisi St Fabious Fulgenttius and that other St. Francis Holy Cross Church, I am pleased we are gathered here today. This Sunday is the last before the Lenten season begins.
Our cousin Abrahamic faiths have similar occasions; the Jews have Yom Kippur—25 hours of atonement—and the Muslims have Ramadan, a lunar “month” of fasting and abstention from sin. However, we out-do all them lazy sons of God because y’all about to suffer for two whole months.
For many, Lent is about giving something up. And while not eating chocolate for two months and then gorging on it the moment the season is over has absolutely no relationship whatsoever to the crucifixion of the Savior of Mankind, I appreciate the effort. So while I cannot read your hearts and thus cannot tell you what a fitting sacrifice is, I will offer that the following are neither appropriate, nor original sacrifices. I am taking a stand this year dear Brothers and Sisters, if you tell me in confession that you have picked something from this list I will not absolve you of your sins. In fact I might pray to the Lord to expedite the coming of Judgment day just so you personally will be damned in the eyes of God. Pray that you not perish before this season is over because I ain’t helping and I’m warning you right now.
So please, don’t say:
- I’m giving up the internet for two months! Pssht, sista please.
- I’m giving up drama for Lent! If you have to say that, you’re definitely not capable of following though.
- I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent, tee-hee! Yes, you’re very clever.
- For once, I want to keep my Lent promise, so I’m giving up being good.
- I’ll give up smoking for Lent, it’ll be so easy because I don’t even smoke!
And my dear children of the Lord, if you tell me that in this two thousand and eighteenth year of our lord, you will be “giving up lent for lent,” I swear on the Shroud of Turin I will excommunicate your poor depraved and not even slightly funny soul from this Holy Roman Catholic Church.
Sister Sage Magee of the Cornell Convent/Abbey/BnB ’18