How to Stay Healthy and Avoid the Flu

  1. Make hand sanitizer your new religion.
    Have at least three bottles of Purell on hand at all times and get a spray bottle attachment so you can give yourself a healthy misting every few hours. If that’s not enough, start taking your daily shower with hand sanitizer instead of water or slip a little in your coffee to kill the germs inside you as well.
  2. Invest in a Hazmat suit.
    Wear an airtight hazmat suit 24/7 because the most effective way to prevent exposure to germs is by hermetically sealing yourself away from every living organism with the potential to carry disease. Remember, your body is a temple, and the only way to keep it safe is by refortifying every inch of your skin against the outside world.
  3. Give yourself multiple flu shots.
    Show up at Cornell health to get vaccinated multiple times, because you can never have too much of a good thing. Logically, if one flu vaccine is roughly ten percent effective, then ten vaccines will give you 100% immunity. Don’t listen to any so called “doctors” who tell you this is a bad idea. If they’re so smart, why can’t they give us a vaccine with more than 10% efficacy?
  4. Consider alternative medicine.
    Modern medicine has failed us this flu season, so it’s time to brush up on the classics. Break out the old poultice bag to divide your humors and find out if you’re sanguine or phlegmatic. Listen to God when He tells you to drill holes into your skull to let the sickness out. Stick a leech on the neck of anyone who coughs. They’ll thank you for it later.
  5. Clear your area of infected people.
    Treat this shit like the plague and embrace the cleansing power of fire. Gather enough of your friends to form a mob—determination and attitude matter more than numbers for this sort of thing—and corral everyone with vaguely flu-like symptoms into the same building. Then lock the doors, seal the windows, and burn that fucker to the ground. At this point, all the non-infected people inside are acceptable casualties. It’s worth the sacrifice.

Via Romano ’21

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