Court-Kay-Bauer: Freshman Bobby McBobberson, ’21, (it’s always the freshmen, innit) has been found guilty of drink-eating his two goldfish, Dr. Pepper and Barnacle, a lovely couple who had only just gotten married after days of courtship which tbh they forgot every 5 seconds.
“I officiated their ceremony. I got a fishy certificate of priesthood from the same guy who made my fa-REAL ID. I was there. I saw the love in their beady, glassy little eyes. They were so happy, and I killed them.” He wept. Having just come back from a Wednesday night out studying in Collegetown, he returned in an excitable state, having been invigorated by orgo. Mistaking his own fishbowl for one filled with alcoholic beverages as served in the inimitable, slightly disgusting, yet sordidly attractive (through no experience of this writer’s) Level B club, he proceeded to drink the bowl dry, swallowing the two live fish in the process.
“You know the weird thing, though?” he is quoted as saying, looking up tearfully from the corner to which he had relegated himself whilst he sobbed inconsolably in his unimaginable grief. “They tasted like chicken.”
After another night out to alleviate his sorrow, this time to watch the football game (literally, who cares which one they’re all the same anyways) at Loco’s, he randomly refreshed his email on his phone, and was horrified to find an email from The Lord and Savior himself, informing him of his assignment to hell for his sins.
“I can’t believe I’m going to be subjected to fire and brimstone for eternity.” He observed in TCAT bus 92 in the midst of making random Snapchat BFFLs and signing autographs for awed prefrosh. “Only Korean Jesus can save me now. White Jesus is not as bro, and he wasn’t even in 21 Jump Street so he like doesn’t even have the CSA (Channing Stamp of Approval).”
Stay tuned for updates as Bobby takes the Journey of Jesus on Facebook (real game with a real sequel: Journey of Moses) to find his redemption. Godspeed, Bobby!
Shaina Verma ’18