April 14th. National Ex Day. A day to reminisce about the good ole days of your first crush, first relationship, first kiss. On this day, you may reflect on your first love, the one that you thought for sure was “the one.” Maybe you can look back on where you went wrong, what you could’ve done better, or how you could’ve saved the magical feelings that you once had for your ex before it ended. Whether this love first blossomed at kindergarten graduation, that one middle school dance, or your high school prom, it does not matter. Because now, we are Ivy Leaguers and our stupid exes have nothing going for them. In all honesty, they should be crawling back to us and begging for us to date them again. And although you don’t care about them at all (like, not at all) here are some reasons why they most definitely still are madly in love with you:
- You go to an Ivy League school. Biggest turn-on? Artificially inflated ego for attending a school branded by nothing more than a sports conference.
- Your ex does not go to an Ivy League school. Surely your ex goes to some state school and they could never even dream of all of the hot (and smart) Ivy Leaguers with whom you’ve been struggling to create intimate relationships. They probably couldn’t even fathom it because their brains are so small.
- We put the “fun” in “trust fund.” The only thing bigger than our bank accounts are our schools’ endowments.
- Brains > personality, looks, and emotional availability. It’s no secret that Ivy Leaguers are vastly superior mentally. What more can someone want or even need? We all know that your ex will eventually grow tired of the athletic and attractive state schoolers and then what? That’s right, they’ll be all yours again.
- Three words: post-graduate employment. Does Goldman Sachs recruit at state schools? I don’t know and I don’t care because we Ivy Leaguers all go work there anyway.
In conclusion, your ex ain’t shit.
Dedicated to my ex-girlfriend, who is still madly in love with me.