To the Editor:
You really think this is all some kind of game, don’t you? You think you can just waltz in here, this sanctuary of entrepreneurship and innovation, and spread your “humorous” filth among the greatest business minds of our generation, nay, every generation? Well let me tell you friend, I am not going to let you sully and defile this holy space by cluttering it with your scrap paper “magazine.” eHub Staff needs to grant permission for organizations to distribute materials, and we “unfortunately” DO NOT GRANT PERMISSION! You can take your “Lunatic” magazine and shove it back into the disgusting hellhole from which it came. Who would want to read about your depraved, sick ideas of “daddies” anyway? I have only two daddies in my life, my biological father, a hardworking, honest businessman who taught me all his greatest techniques, and my holy Father Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Amen, who smiles down upon all my business ventures. No one needs any more daddies than that, and the mere suggestion of any more — let alone in some disgusting sexual sense — is pure nonsense and tomfoolery that I will not allow in my Temple of Start-up Culture.
Next time you think you’re going to want to have “fun” in here, think again. We will not stand for any kind of “humor” being spread in this sacred place. I have your sickening material collected and will hold on to them for the rest of day, but I will TOSS THEM IN THE RECYCLING if they are not picked up today. If it happens again, the authorities will be notified, and be thankful we did not get them involved this time. I pray that my holy Father Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior Amen smites your sinful souls and condemns you to an eternity of failed business deals. I will now return to handling the business side of my new app. I won’t let scum like you know what it is, but it will be like Uber but with airborne jet-propelled craft that can carry hundreds of people on scheduled runs with fixed stops, and when we get bought out by Facebook, then you’ll be sorry!
With innovative entrepreneurship,
The eHub Team