10 Reasons You Should Read Our Upcoming Issue

  1. This semester, we have a “heaven and hell” theme for the magazine. You can have fun reading some slightly funny pieces while learning about God, Lucifer, and their love child: Ezra Cornell.
  2. Last semester, we raised over $10,000 dollars from alumni and other generous donors. Imagine if you could raise $10,000 in a semester to pay off your college debt. Instead, that money is going to a magazine that thinks dick jokes are still funny, so you might as well read it while crying about your student loans.
  3. Remember in the movie The Wolf of Wall Street that scene where Leo was like COKE AND MONEY AND COKE AND MONEY? You would feel the same after reading the Lunatic.
  4. One night you dreamed you were walking along the beach with the Cornell Lunatic. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene, you notice your footprints in the sand.

When the last scene of your life flashed before you, you looked back at the footprints in the sand. You noticed that along the path of your life you were walking alone.

This really bothered you and you questioned the Cornell Lunatic about it. “Hey Cornell Lunatic? You said one that I would read you, you would walk along with me through the rest of my life. And yet, when I look back in the sand, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why when I need you most you would leave me?”

The Cornell Lunatic replied, “Bitch, why the hell do you think I would be walking with you? I’m a magazine, you dumbass; I don’t have feet! How dumb do you have to be to fall for some advertising ploy? Also, you could be dreaming of so many other things, like flying or being with your crush or living out that fantasy of you being whipped by a redheaded cowboy, yet you are dreaming about walking with a magazine. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  1. Don’t you hate reading shitty Buzzfeed-esque articles like this one? Don’t worry, there are no such things like that in the Lunatic.
  2. Do you love reading amazing Buzzfeed-esque articles and quizzes like this one? Don’t worry, there are such things like that in the Lunatic.
  3. January is known as National Read a Magazine month. And if you don’t read the magazine I was a tiny part of, I will be offended. And when I’m offended, I will start crying. And when I start crying, I will get that ugly face that is a cross of a pug and a baby with a unibrow. So please, read the damn magazine.
  4. It is for free. My mommy once said I was going to be for free, but she was too tired to find a cardboard box to put me in on the street.
  5. Honestly, we spent a lot of time on this magazine. A lot of us writers and editors spent hours trying to make this the best it can be instead of losing our virginities, so please give it a read! It would mean so much to us.
  6. We have Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Elijah Wood, Common, and Robin Williams in this magazine. That’s right, we’re the Happy Feet 2 of college magazines.

Winter Break Haikus

Ahh, the holidays,
the most wonderful time to
write cover letters.

Twenty-seven-teen
starts with unreal hangover.
Hope year gets better.

Haikus are easy.
They don’t even have to rhyme,
fucking idiot.

Washed-up Authors begin Collaboration on Sequel to Classic Novel

The Community of Rundown Authors and Publishers announced a project to rewrite Fahrenheit 451 for the modern American audience. Publisher Ballantine Books, famous for its original run of Fahrenheit 451, has already signed on to pub- lish this new classic. Fahrenheit 452, scheduled for publication in early 2015, tells the story of Guy Hashtag, a 21st century employee living in a world where iPhones are required to be damaged. Through- out the novel, Hashtag shatters and bends iPhones, stopping occasionally to drop a call by holding the phone incorrectly. When asked why 452, the Community respond- ed: “452 oF is the temperature at which the Apple A8X processor is no longer able to run apps such as Tinder and Yik Yak, and we believe this will help to connect with our audiences.”

Publisher’s summary:

Nowadays, Apple Geniuses destroy phones. Genius Guy Hashtag loves to rush to an iPhone and watch the metal bend and the glass shatter. Then he met a seventeen-year old girl who told him of a past when people were not obsessed with 2-year contract upgrades, and a professor who told him of a future where people could read the news without charging their batteries. And Guy Hashtag knew what he had to do…