Economists Agree: The AHCA Is Net Beneficial If You Hate The Poor

To the Editor:

We, economists, were dismayed to see the countless publications unjustly target the House Republicans’ bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, also known as the American Health Care Act (AHCA), also known as Ryancare, also known as Some People Will Die It’s A Part Of Life Buddy Then Smirk And Shrug. Among the baseless arguments these articles have made: (1) The AHCA will largely benefit wealthy individuals, (2) the ACHE will result in thousands of individuals dying, and (3) The ACNE will cause 24 million Americans to become uninsured. We, economists, will address these issues one by one.

(1) Many analysts have argued that the ACRE benefits will largely go to upper and upper-middle-class Americans. This point, while empirically correct, is a weak argument against the AHEM, because it assumes that the greater American public does not hate the poor. If you, in fact, consider this outcome of CHAI in the context of hating the poor, it becomes clear that the ARCH in actuality creates a win-win situation: The rich win, and the poor (whom we hate) lose.

(2)  An oft-cited statistic states that thousands of individuals — most of whom are low-income — will die as a result of decreased coverage brought about by the ARRG. While this statistic is entirely accurate, biased media coverage has failed to shine light on the silver lining of this statistic: That if you hate the poor, deaths that are otherwise avoidable are objectively good.

(3) Finally, the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) estimates that approximately 24 million Americans, mostly the poor, will become uninsured as a result of the CHACHA. Once again, this statistic demonstrates the sheer bias that is created as a result of elitism in Washingtonian echo chambers. What even is “CBO,” and why do they have so many Emmys? Alas, even if we disregard the subjectivity and miscalculations involved in deriving this number, this argument also falls flat. Imagine this: Instead of giving the poor rights, we don’t, because we hate them. Thinking about the situation with this perspective truly alters the schema of costs and benefits. Once again, we, economists, find that when we simply begin to hate the poor, the ARCHIPELAGO becomes an extremely attractive policy proposal.

Although the ACHOO is imperfect in its current form, it can become perfect if only we as a society are able to open our minds to actively hating the poor, perhaps even more than we already do. It may be difficult at first, but together, we can achieve unity in anti-poor hatred that we would have never thought possible.

Sincerely,
Economists

PM ’19

Enjoy What You Do (Wham!)

“Hey everybody take a look at me, I’ve got street credibility.” George Michael spits truth and funk as I make my way to algo at around 8:57 AM. I’m dodging and weaving through the crowds: gaggles of Canada-Goose girls, couples taking up two-thirds of the sidewalk. Pass me or be passed, suckers; these steel-toe waterproof boots aren’t holding up for anyone. Up ahead, I see a busy intersection.

“Hey! Hey jerk, you work, This boy’s got better things to do.” Doesn’t George Michael technically have a job as a singer? As usual, during class changeover time, the line of cars is massive at each stop sign at the three-way intersection by Uris Hall. Small clusters of people appear at each crosswalk, with some sweet little Asian girl obediently waiting for the car to go by, but scurrying across when a jogger blasts through. There’s always people crossing, crossing, crossing… the first car can only edge up, wait, edge up, wait…

“Wham, bam! I am a man. Job or no job, You can’t tell me that I’m not.” The music courses through me like adrenaline. Why the hell should I stop and let any cars go? They’re just another obstacle to dodge, a hunk of metal at that. There’s hundreds of students that have places to go, classes we’ve paid too much to go to. I’m going to miss my professor’s carefully calculated latest pop culture reference because YOU couldn’t wait another 2 seconds? My swift steps will cover that crosswalk before you can mutter your favorite traffic cuss under your breath.

“Do you enjoy what you do? If not, just stop.” As if I heard a careless whisper utter the lyric, I stop. I don’t enjoy waking up to go to this awful class. I know the professor will joke about crazy Ithaca weather. Do you enjoy what you do? I… I don’t think I… but then what do I… If not, just stop. And I have stopped. I hear car horns blaring. A blue bus is rounding the corner right towards me. But I do not move. I don’t enjoy what I do. My eyes finally slide to the car directly in front of me. George Michael nods slowly in the driver’s seat, dressed all in white in a baby blue Kia. Don’t stay there and rot,” he whispers, before revving the car and flying over me and into the beyond. I did not stay there and rot.

“Do you want to work? – NO / Are you gonna have fun? – YEAH.” Everybody say Wham! – WHAM! / Say Bam! – BAM! / Everybody say Wham! – WHAM! / Say Wham, Bam! – WHAM! BAM! / Can you dig this thing? Are you gonna get down? Said one, two, three, rap, c’mon everybody / Don’t need this crap!

“Everybody say Wham! – WHAM! Say Wham, Bam! – WHAM! BAM!”

Matt Barker ’19

10 Reasons You Should Read Our Upcoming Issue

  1. This semester, we have a “heaven and hell” theme for the magazine. You can have fun reading some slightly funny pieces while learning about God, Lucifer, and their love child: Ezra Cornell.
  2. Last semester, we raised over $10,000 dollars from alumni and other generous donors. Imagine if you could raise $10,000 in a semester to pay off your college debt. Instead, that money is going to a magazine that thinks dick jokes are still funny, so you might as well read it while crying about your student loans.
  3. Remember in the movie The Wolf of Wall Street that scene where Leo was like COKE AND MONEY AND COKE AND MONEY? You would feel the same after reading the Lunatic.
  4. One night you dreamed you were walking along the beach with the Cornell Lunatic. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene, you notice your footprints in the sand.

When the last scene of your life flashed before you, you looked back at the footprints in the sand. You noticed that along the path of your life you were walking alone.

This really bothered you and you questioned the Cornell Lunatic about it. “Hey Cornell Lunatic? You said one that I would read you, you would walk along with me through the rest of my life. And yet, when I look back in the sand, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why when I need you most you would leave me?”

The Cornell Lunatic replied, “Bitch, why the hell do you think I would be walking with you? I’m a magazine, you dumbass; I don’t have feet! How dumb do you have to be to fall for some advertising ploy? Also, you could be dreaming of so many other things, like flying or being with your crush or living out that fantasy of you being whipped by a redheaded cowboy, yet you are dreaming about walking with a magazine. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  1. Don’t you hate reading shitty Buzzfeed-esque articles like this one? Don’t worry, there are no such things like that in the Lunatic.
  2. Do you love reading amazing Buzzfeed-esque articles and quizzes like this one? Don’t worry, there are such things like that in the Lunatic.
  3. January is known as National Read a Magazine month. And if you don’t read the magazine I was a tiny part of, I will be offended. And when I’m offended, I will start crying. And when I start crying, I will get that ugly face that is a cross of a pug and a baby with a unibrow. So please, read the damn magazine.
  4. It is for free. My mommy once said I was going to be for free, but she was too tired to find a cardboard box to put me in on the street.
  5. Honestly, we spent a lot of time on this magazine. A lot of us writers and editors spent hours trying to make this the best it can be instead of losing our virginities, so please give it a read! It would mean so much to us.
  6. We have Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Elijah Wood, Common, and Robin Williams in this magazine. That’s right, we’re the Happy Feet 2 of college magazines.

Winter Break Haikus

Ahh, the holidays,
the most wonderful time to
write cover letters.

Twenty-seven-teen
starts with unreal hangover.
Hope year gets better.

Haikus are easy.
They don’t even have to rhyme,
fucking idiot.

Washed-up Authors begin Collaboration on Sequel to Classic Novel

The Community of Rundown Authors and Publishers announced a project to rewrite Fahrenheit 451 for the modern American audience. Publisher Ballantine Books, famous for its original run of Fahrenheit 451, has already signed on to pub- lish this new classic. Fahrenheit 452, scheduled for publication in early 2015, tells the story of Guy Hashtag, a 21st century employee living in a world where iPhones are required to be damaged. Through- out the novel, Hashtag shatters and bends iPhones, stopping occasionally to drop a call by holding the phone incorrectly. When asked why 452, the Community respond- ed: “452 oF is the temperature at which the Apple A8X processor is no longer able to run apps such as Tinder and Yik Yak, and we believe this will help to connect with our audiences.”

Publisher’s summary:

Nowadays, Apple Geniuses destroy phones. Genius Guy Hashtag loves to rush to an iPhone and watch the metal bend and the glass shatter. Then he met a seventeen-year old girl who told him of a past when people were not obsessed with 2-year contract upgrades, and a professor who told him of a future where people could read the news without charging their batteries. And Guy Hashtag knew what he had to do…