Yakarma Scores Spike in Anticipation of Yik Yak FWS

Ithaca, NY – University officials have recently added a new FWS based entirely on the usage habits of Yik Yak.  Students will be encouraged to “ride the Yak” as part of each of their assignments.  Essays will be graded for content, grammar, and Yakarma scores.  As is customary with any FWS, initial enrollment will limited to 18 students, despite more than 30 lonely men registering their interest in an anonymous survey more than two weeks ago.   According to the Writing Department, selections for the class will be prioritized by college, with Hotelies being given first priority because “students without real homework will tend to be successful in this seminar due to its focus on procrastination”.

PHIL 1205: Intercultural Dialogue in the Yik Yak Age, will be offered beginning in the spring 2015 semester.  Other rumored additions to the FWS catalog include “PSYCH 1721: Tinder and the Modern Relationship”, and “WRIT 1120: Intro to Homework for Hotel Management Majors”.  Both have been confirmed to be under development by university officials, but only PHIL 1205 has been confirmed to be offered for the upcoming spring semester.

 

Electrical engineers discover new type of battery

The electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery. Eighty engineering students are all being charged with battery and aggravated assault because of a violent brawl they incited in the engineering quad on Saturday afternoon. It was further uncovered that the engineering students were all involved in an underground bareknuckle boxing ring which occurred regularly on Tuesday and Thursday nights in Phillips hall.

When asbatpic_notmineked about this, one engineering student responded,

“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”

The students are also suspected of being involved in the recent spurts of physical violence and attempts to overthrow order in the free world on campus.

Reportedly, the incident that occurred on Saturday was the result of one arts and sciences student wandering to the engineering quad and boasting about all of the free time he has. The engineers reacted negatively to his lack of purpose in life and proceeded to pummel him. Unsatisfied with his lack of resistance, the engineers then began to attack each-other until police arrived 20 minutes later.

It is speculated that the violence among the electrical engineers can be an attempt to release stress.

When asked about possible motives for this outburst of violence, renowned psychologist Randall Mansfield stated,

“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”

It is clear that there can be no one reason for this outburst, and school officials hope that this year’s dragon day will be violence free and no AAP students will be thrown down Libe Slope.

 

Finals Week

Hey Will,
What gives?
You sold me crummy pills.
I’ve got two papers due tomorrow
That I haven’t started still.
I heard this stuff’s the bomb
To get your focus on.
Why else would they pump pre-teens
With isomers of methamphetamine?

But I’ve made six trips to Lowe’s today
And my hair is turning gray.
I can’t find anything in the shed
‘Cept a Tom Clancy novel I’ve already read.
And I can’t stop humming the Grateful Dead
While visions of grill scrubbers dance through my head.

What’s that, you say? You sold me DADderal?
Well, now it all makes sense.
I think I’ll go and comb my ‘stache
And build a picket fence.

Washed-up Authors begin Collaboration on Sequel to Classic Novel

The Community of Rundown Authors and Publishers announced a project to rewrite Fahrenheit 451 for the modern American audience. Publisher Ballantine Books, famous for its original run of Fahrenheit 451, has already signed on to pub- lish this new classic. Fahrenheit 452, scheduled for publication in early 2015, tells the story of Guy Hashtag, a 21st century employee living in a world where iPhones are required to be damaged. Through- out the novel, Hashtag shatters and bends iPhones, stopping occasionally to drop a call by holding the phone incorrectly. When asked why 452, the Community respond- ed: “452 oF is the temperature at which the Apple A8X processor is no longer able to run apps such as Tinder and Yik Yak, and we believe this will help to connect with our audiences.”

Publisher’s summary:

Nowadays, Apple Geniuses destroy phones. Genius Guy Hashtag loves to rush to an iPhone and watch the metal bend and the glass shatter. Then he met a seventeen-year old girl who told him of a past when people were not obsessed with 2-year contract upgrades, and a professor who told him of a future where people could read the news without charging their batteries. And Guy Hashtag knew what he had to do…