How to Ditch Your Hookup: A Comprehensive Guide
So Valentine’s day is officially over, and congratulations! You didn’t spend it by yourself smoking pot in a bathrobe this year. But now that you’ve finally achieved your lifelong dream of validating yourself by finding a meaningless hookup for a socially constructed, consumerist holiday, how do you get rid of him? Like sure, he was fine for one night but now that you’re eating his overcooked scrambled eggs and listening to his opinions on the female orgasm after a night of mediocre sex, you’re beginning to have second thoughts. You could watch How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but if you don’t want to wait that long or don’t want to run the risk of falling in love, you could just read our guide instead.
#1: Tell him you gave up sex for lent
Gosh darn that pesky Lent! Stopping you from having the sex that you definitely for sure wanted to have with him. If he’s not Christian he won’t know when Lent is, and if he is Christian, why are you hooking up with him? You could do so much better!
#2: Pretend to have a foot fetish
If he’s normal, this one should weird him out so much that he’ll break it off with you and save you the trouble of having to figure out a way to tell him you don’t want to see him again. Or it could prompt him to open up about his foot fetish too. If so, run! But not in a way that draws attention to your feet.
#3: Get charged with vehicular manslaughter
Oh no, you *accidentally* hit someone with your car! Guess you’ll be going to jail now, and not to your jerky hookup’s apartment. And maybe you’ll have the epiphany that the feeling of taking a life gave you more of a high than sex ever will, solving the problem of dealing with any future hookups.
#4: Create an HPV Scare
Tell him your doctor just texted and that you’re positive for HPV. Doesn’t he know that 79 million Americans have it? Well, now it’s 79 million and one. Serves him right for not wanting to wear a condom. As a bonus, this method will encourage him to responsibly practice sexual health as he will likely run immediately to the nearest doctor to get tested for STDs. It’s like you’re doing him a favor.
These foolproof tips will help you ditch that regrettable Valentine’s Day hookup in no time! Of course, you could always just ghost him, but where’s the fun in that?
V.R., ’21
