10 Reasons You Should Read Our Upcoming Issue

1. This semester, we have a “heaven and hell” theme for the magazine. You can have fun reading some slightly funny pieces while learning about God, Lucifer, and their love child: Ezra Cornell.
2. Last semester, we raised over $10,000 dollars from alumni and other generous donors. Imagine if you could raise $10,000 in a semester to pay off your college debt. Instead, that money is going to a magazine that thinks dick jokes are still funny, so you might as well read it while crying about your student loans.
3. Remember in the movie The Wolf of Wall Street that scene where Leo was like COKE AND MONEY AND COKE AND MONEY? You would feel the same after reading the Lunatic.
4. One night you dreamed you were walking along the beach with the Cornell Lunatic. Across the sky flashed scenes from your life. For each scene, you notice your footprints in the sand.

When the last scene of your life flashed before you, you looked back at the footprints in the sand. You noticed that along the path of your life you were walking alone.

This really bothered you and you questioned the Cornell Lunatic about it. “Hey Cornell Lunatic? You said one that I would read you, you would walk along with me through the rest of my life. And yet, when I look back in the sand, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why when I need you most you would leave me?”

The Cornell Lunatic replied, “Bitch, why the hell do you think I would be walking with you? I’m a magazine, you dumbass; I don’t have feet! How dumb do you have to be to fall for some advertising ploy? Also, you could be dreaming of so many other things, like flying or being with your crush or living out that fantasy of you being whipped by a redheaded cowboy, yet you are dreaming about walking with a magazine. What the hell is wrong with you?”

5. Don’t you hate reading shitty Buzzfeed-esque articles like this one? Don’t worry, there are no such things like that in the Lunatic.
6. Do you love reading amazing Buzzfeed-esque articles and quizzes like this one? Don’t worry, there are such things like that in the Lunatic.
7. January is known as National Read a Magazine month. And if you don’t read the magazine I was a tiny part of, I will be offended. And when I’m offended, I will start crying. And when I start crying, I will get that ugly face that is a cross of a pug and a baby with a unibrow. So please, read the damn magazine.
8. It is for free. My mommy once said I was going to be for free, but she was too tired to find a cardboard box to put me in on the street.
9. Honestly, we spent a lot of time on this magazine. A lot of us writers and editors spent hours trying to make this the best it can be instead of losing our virginities, so please give it a read! It would mean so much to us.
10. We have Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Elijah Wood, Common, and Robin Williams in this magazine. That’s right, we’re the Happy Feet 2 of college magazines.