University raises tuition, increases quantity of free T-shirts

Ithaca, NY – In a statement released in early September, the university officials have officially raised the planned tuition cost for the 2016-2017 academic year.  Officials say it will increase by approximately $1,273, in order to offset the cost of the more than 100 planned events with free t-shirts.  According to an unnamed representative, the increase in t-shirt distribution will allow for more specific designs to be given out, with plans for “t-shirts with event names, Cornell Store coupons, and even a new t-shirt for every day of November.  T-shirts will include specific information such as geographical coordinates, time and date stamps, and map images, so you will know exactly where and when you received the free shirt.”  For the more privileged students, a shirt woven from 18K gold thread will be distributed for free in limited supply, also to be fully subsidized by the increase in tuition.  University officials hope that this move will help students to make lasting, geographically accurate memories of their time here at Cornell.