Students Suggest “Cornexit” in Succession of Successful Secession

In light of the overwhelming success of the Brexit movement, Cornell students have started a petition to secede from Ithaca.

“Ithaca threatens Cornell’s sovereignty,” said Morris Johnson, a stupid freshman.

The growing sentiment of anti-Ithacality stems primarily from the argument that Ithaca is strangling Cornell in burdensome regulations, such as enforcing archaic underage drinking laws and reporting sexual harassment. Town-gown relations have been suffering in recent years as the university prepares to legalize recreational marijuana inside of lecture halls.

Cornell has also been struggling with the idea of switching from its own currency, the Big Red Buck, to the American dollar that the surrounding Ithaca would impose on the university.

The petition has amassed a total of 5 signatures, or just over half of the voting population of Cornell.

If a special election is called and the referendum goes through, the onus will lie with President Martha Pollack to separate the university from the town it is literally physically part of, after which she will inevitably leave office.

Pollack, who has been threatening to close the border between Cornell and Ithaca, has called Cornexit the “war of liberal aggression,” with pundits dubbing it the “next great American secession.”

– F. Jónatan

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