We have a “Teenz” issue for this semester. This means you all can remember how great your teenage lives were with slumber parties and mall trips and— Wait. Since we’re at Cornell, we all started college prep in 6th grade and effectively killed our adolescence.
“Oh my god Stacey, did you see the new Lunatic issue?” “Yaas Tracey, it slaaaays.” “Doesn’t it have a big butt?” “Oh my freaking god it does.” “Like it looks so good in those yoga pants that have ‘CU NOOZ CAN SUCK THIS’ printed on the back.”
Wanna learn how to apply a new oatmeal face mask that can remove all the wrinkles you already have because of shitty Slope Day Artists? Go to page 48.
You guys care about seniors, right? This is our seniors’ final issue, which mean they probably won’t ever be writing anything funny again. These seniors will grow up, do hard drugs, marry, travel to Thailand on their honeymoons, join an orgy during their honeymoons, settle down, get a real job somewhere on the east coast or California, have two and a half kids, drive to soccer practices, drink boxed wine unironically, watch graduation ceremonies, start working out again, get colonoscopies, consider divorce but realize that after 43 years it’s too late, get left at a retirement home, and die alone wishing that weed is legal so they can get a damn joint. They will never have the chance to write anything remotely funny again. Do it for the seniors.
With the summer coming up, many of you will want to have fun nights. What’s a better way to have fun than being locked up in your room with a bottle of Svedka and this newest issue of The Lunatic to read and reread for hours on end?
In Kendrick Lamar’s “HUMBLE,” he starts off by saying, “Wicked or weakness?/ You got to see this/ Waaay (yeah! yeah!)” Kung Fu Kenny was rapping not about other rappers to be humbled by his music, but rather about the Cornell Lunatic and how its presence humbles us all.
Ever met Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? Neither have I. Since we’re both failing life together, we might as well read the Cornell Lunatic together.
One night, your mommy and daddy decided that they wanted to have a baby together. However, your mommy didn’t find your daddy that attractive, so what could he do to turn her on and make a baby? Your daddy ripped off the cover of the newest Cornell Lunatic issue, hot glued it to his face, and screamed, “HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW, BARBARA?” Your mommy, seeing this beautiful face, decided immediately to have sex. That is how you were born into this world.
This issue goes out to my newest lover, IHOP. IHOP is always there for me and doesn’t call me a sociopathic liar who takes advantage of others sexually to cover up his insecurities. I just pay IHOP now to please me with beautiful warm stacks on stacks covered in a sticky sauce. IHOP, baby, just because of you, people should read the Lunatic.
Please read it. We put so much work into it, but not as much as your mom did last night.