Recent Shift in Time-Space Continuum Enables Long-Distance Nagging

Ithaca, NY– On October 5th, a student (name withheld) reported “repeated instances of nagging and guilt-tripping” to CUPD. Days later, the student was checked into Gannett Health Services for “hallucinations and mental instability”. Since then, numerous reports of what is now being referred to as “Imagined Procrastination Disorder” have been reported in colleges and universities across the northeastern United States. Engineering students suffering from IPD have spent several weeks researching it, and have determined that the cur- rent “Space-Heading Interpolation Timeframe shift” is allowing par- ents to nag their children over long distances. Says one Cornellian,”My mom loves to tell me to get to work, but lately I just can’t deal with the SHIT!” According to reports, the SHIT causes issues primarily for architecture and engineering stu- dents. Gannett Health Services is continuing to investigate this phe- nomenon.

Update (11/03/14): Official research has shown that the SHIT is imagined, and that the hallucinations are a Seasonal Affective Disorder which tends to show symptoms during prelim season, finals season, and pumpkin spice latte season. Further research also indicates that all students affected by the SHIT tend to be students who have de- veloped self-destructive habits dur- ing their time in university, such as weekday alcohol consumption or Netflix binging.

Update (12/04/14): University admissions have recorded that more than 70% of the students suffering from SHIT related hallucinations are transferring to Ithaca College for the Spring 2015 semester.

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