It’s Time to Replace the Constitution with Bread

This is what I envision our future government will look like. As you can see, the word “Bread” is legibly written across an end piece of bread with ketchup on an impeccable Costco paper plate. I lament that this is too meta for you to understand, but true art does not conform to accommodate its uncultured viewer.


As a very highly competent scholar-candidate for the Bachelors of Arts degree, I have been made aware that the Fourth of July is about the Declaration of Independence. But by my logic, if Fourth of July is also the de facto holiday for folks to cover their crotches in USA flag swimwear, it should be about the Constitution too. And while the Constitution is all fine and dandy, it’s got a lot of issues as well. The only way to fix problems is to think outside the box and to be daring. That’s why I am an advocate for getting rid of this antiquated form of government and replacing it with everyone’s favorite carbohydrate. Just as I am a revolutionary, I am also a woman of the people—you bet your ass that the Harvard Law Review was slobbering over my theories of statecraft, but I have decided instead to publish them here for public consumption instead. 


Pro: Bread serves as an exquisite creative medium. 

See image above. 


Pro: Would more clearly define what counts as treason. 

For example, the song “24K Magic” by Bruno Mars. Need I say more? 


Pro: A lot easier to interpret than a 200+ year old piece of paper. 

What the hell is a well-regulated militia? That’s not a rhetorical question because no one seems to know what the fuck it means. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s a lot easier to understand the right to possess bread than the right to bear arms. No more need for Ruth Baker Ginsburg and Baguette Kavanaugh. [Here lies another instance in which I lament your inability to comprehend the sophistication of this joke.] 


Pro: Bread is easier to fit into your pocket than a pocket-sized Constitution.

Ever heard of pocket-sized bread? No, because bread is inherently pocket-sized. You may be thinking, “A whole loaf of bread or a baguette won’t fit into a pocket.” Before you assume that you have outwitted me, a very highly competent scholar-candidate for the Bachelors of Arts degree, you should realize that I didn’t say I’d replace the Constitution with a loaf of bread or a baguette. I said that I’d replace it with bread, which by my confidential measures, I would define to be small. Besides, why do we need our rights written down since we do such a good job enforcing them for all Americans, even our most vulnerable? 


Pro: No more federally-mandated US Postal Service. 

For all you laypeople, Article 1, Section 8, Clause 7 basically let the imperious US Postal Service wreak havoc on America’s middle class by ruthlessly sucking taxpayer money to produce ugly stamps. Despite polarization these days, all Americans universally accept that the U.S. Postal Service is the biggest problem facing the country. Although my mailman is an OG, there’s no room for inefficiency in the bread-eat-bread capitalist society that we live in. Replacing the Constitution with bread will make the government stop afflicting tyranny on the American people and incentivize the removal of other overbearing government bodies like the judicial system. 


Pro: Throw every other government that was based on the US Constitution into chaos. 

It’s time to get payback for every single country in the world that stole our ideas. The great Constitution of the United States is purely AMERICAN. Whoever says that some shit called the “magna carta” or the “enlightenment” influenced the founding of THE United States of America is part of the globalist conspiracy. What makes it even worse is that we never forced our ideas onto the world or anything like that either. Replacing the Constitution with bread (another purely American invention) will take all the imbecile copycats completely by surprise and leave their governments in shambles. 


Happy Fourth of July!


A.S. ‘22

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