How “No Winter Maintenance” Signs Taught Me To Love My Body

Learning to embrace body confidence hasn’t been a straightforward path for me. There’s too much fat here, too little muscle there. I’ve tried all of the traditional methods: restricting my diet, exercising regularly, and even shaking my SENSA. Nothing seemed to help, until I stuffed a “Warning: No Winter Maintenance” sign up my very own snatch.

The inspiration struck me as I was walking up Libe Slope to my lin alg final. Winded and sweating through my jacket, I felt unattractive and out of shape. No matter how hard I worked out, the Slope had its way of showing me just how inept my body was. That’s when the sign caught my eye. Planted firmly in the ground, she looked strong, tall, confident. “No Winter Maintenance,” she called out proudly to the world. “Accept me as I am,” she demanded.

And I did accept the sign, accept her as she was. She didn’t need to be salted or plowed. She didn’t care if her walkways posed a hazard. She was everything I wanted to become and she expressed everything that I strove to feel. So I did what anyone would do. I stole the sign. And when I got back to my dorm room, I stuck her into my cooter. The insertion process wasn’t easy. It took some work to really get her there. But the change was nearly instantaneous.

I felt a tingling sensation far stronger than that of any UTI I’ve had before. I turned to face the mirror. I looked the same, but I didn’t feel the same. Suddenly my body hair and fat looked like it was… meant to be there. My frizzy untamed hair was no longer an embarrassment but a statement. My calluses and dry skin were no longer the product of neglect. They just were. As I just am.


I expect you’re skeptical. That’s okay. I was pretty dubious myself. But when I asked my roommate to test out the sign, she confirmed everything that I had been feeling. It even took some pleading for me to get the sign back from her. My boyfriend also approved of the change, commenting, “I love me a no maintenance girl!”

Whether or not you believe me, I urge you to give this technique a chance! The benefits I’ve reaped since stuffing the signature campus signage up in my cave of wonders have been truly tremendous. I’m a happier, more confident version of myself. I’m not shy about showing off my body anymore. The next time you see the friendly letters, “No Winter Maintenance,” give into your adventurous side. You never know what could happen. Your vag may just thank you.


AW ‘20

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