A Sticker for Everyone! A Beginner’s Guide to Selecting the Perfect Bumper Sticker

Hate reading? Don’t want to actually say anything, but still want people to know you stand for…something…?

Why not try a trendy, new, “euro style” sticker!? With its minimalist approach, you’ll keep the yuppie stuck in traffic behind you occupied for hours attempting to de- cipher this cryptic gem! What does it mean? Maybe it’s your hometown? Maybe your college? …or maybe you just chose three random letters…

Are your polarizing views on sensitive topics getting you in hot water with the general public?

Fret not, just throw some confusing double negatives in there, and you’ll be golden! Who really has time to read these days anyway? Not choosing this bumper sticker wouldn’t not be a good idea, if you never tried to do it possibly!

Still afraid to voice your opinion?

Try tapping into what is perhaps the greatest tool in the bumper sticker enthusiasts arsenal. Raw. American. Sentimentalism. As long as you stick a few of these suckers along with your toxic spew, you could pretty much get away with murder! …
just an expression…but actually…

New Environmental Effort Promotes Recycled Essays

CENTRAL CAMPUS, Ithaca, NY — In an effort to save paper, Cornell students have begun recycling their essays for each class. This means that when
a student has received the paper he/she turned in last week, that student immediately hands the essay back to the professor to turn in his essay this week, regardless of whether that essay has the professors markups, grammar corrections, comments or an “F.” While this may seem like an immediate violation

Professors appreciate the new environmental effort as well, for they claim that if they never have to read an essay more than once, they can just give the student the same grade over and over again, a concept known as “grade stagflation.” of the policy of Academic Integrity (it is), students and faculty alike claim that its potential for energy efficiency is remarkable.

Students also claim that, especially in English courses, the essay prompts are vague enough that “pretty much anything will pass for why Titus Andronicus is not a tragedy in the traditional sense.”

Said one sophomore, “not having to write a completely new essay for my history class means that I save a bunch of energy by not expending my brain capital. That’s like, enough energy to run six smart cars, right?”

In fact, one student has been reusing just one essay his older brother wrote in high school to prove he’s a model of efficiency. Sadly, this student will have to leave Cornell next year because his academic probation has terminated.