Vampire: Prepare to die, mere mortal, as on this All Hollow’s Eve, I will drink thy blood and live forever.
Cameron: Lord, help me please—wait, Dylan, is that you?
Vampire: What up, Cam? I heard you got a new job at a different firm here in New York. How’s it going?
Cameron: Dylan, please tell me this isn’t about Sarah.
Vampire: Wait, what? What did you do with Sarah?
Cameron: Are you serious? This isn’t about me now seeing Sarah?
Vampire: You are fucking my wife? Oh, now I’m definitely drinking your blood. No, I was not here because of Sarah.
Cameron: Dammit, you know about Dani then.
Vampire: Satan Almighty, Dani literally just turned eighteen like last week.
Cameron: I know, I know, but that somehow turned me on. I might have a problem.
Vampire: No, really? In the name of Nosferatu, you are mine for dinner.
Cameron: So I’m guessing you know about your son James too then.
Vampire: The hell? He’s only in middle school, you sicko!
Cameron: No, no, no. I just bit him, so he’s now turned.
Vampire: Wait… you’re telling me you made him into a werewolf? Now my son is a disgusting half-bred mutt who will smell of carpet and eat super rare steaks!
Cameron: Come on, don’t be racist now.
Vampire: I was originally just going to take at most half a pint from you and later go to the bar to catch up with you, but now, I learned that you ruined my entire family.
Cameron: Please, let me talk to my mummy before I die.
Happy Halloween, y’all.
—Wilbert Ren ’20