Ithaca, NY—Cornell electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students on campus, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery.
Eighty engineering students have been charged with battery and aggravated assault due to a violent brawl they incited in the Engineering Quad on Saturday afternoon. Campus police further uncovered that the engineering students were all involved in an underground bareknuckle boxing ring which occurred regularly on Tuesday and Thursday nights in Phillips Hall.
When asked about this, one engineering student responded, “Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
The students are also suspected of being involved in the recent spurts of physical violence and attempts to overthrow order in the free world on campus.
Reportedly, the incident that occurred on Saturday resulted when one Arts and Sciences student wandered to the Engineering Quad and boasted about all of the free time he has. The engineering students reacted negatively to his lack of purpose in life and proceeded to pummel him. Unsatisfied with his lack of resistance, the engineers then began to attack each other—until police arrived twenty minutes later.
It is speculated that the violence among the electrical engineers could be an attempt to release stress.
When asked about possible motives for this outburst of violence, renowned psychologist Randall Mansfield stated, “Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
It is clear that there can be no one reason for this outburst, and school officials hope that this year’s Dragon Day will be violence free and that no AAP students will be thrown down Libe Slope.