They say that every straight guy is allowed one man-crush. For me, the clear winner by far is Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. There’s just something about those rubbery eye-stalks and sing-song voice that really does it for me. Just imagine the sound of him—“Ooh mooey mooey meesa love you!”—and tell me that doesn’t make you want to use the Dark Side of the Force on that rockin’ alien bod.
Now, some men develop obsessions around their favorite athlete, for example, and more often than not they’ll assert wholeheartedly that there’s nothing sexual about their fandom.
Me? I don’t get it.
One, he’s just an athlete; what’s the big deal?
Two, don’t you dare pretend for a second that Jar Jar deserves only platonic love. Give in to the tantalizing siren call that is his very essence.
It’s a common misconception that George Lucas wrote the character into the script as comic relief. Not true. He’s what some refer to as “fanservice.” You watch an intense Jedi lightsaber duel for a couple minutes, then you sit back and enjoy some eye-candy in the form of a Gungan from the planet Naboo. Sex sells, and Lucas knows it.
There have also been accusations that Jar Jar’s personality contains racist undertones, with some critics comparing the performance to blackface. I’m not qualified to resolve those concerns. I only know that when his ears flop and his voice sounds like a kazoo, something inside me goes full Gungan. My heart wants what meesa wants.