Spending your Valentine’s Day alone as usual? Not to worry! Over here at The Cornell Lunatic, we are very knowledgeable on how to initiate and engage in the sex. Like I had to remind you anyway.
Thus, in an unprecedented act of generosity, we have released the most comprehensive guide on how to obtain your genitalia of choice. The secret you’ve been missing out on for your entire life: these scorching-hot SpongeBob pick-up lines.
I guarantee you that there’ll be a line that suits any situation you might find yourself in. Need to playfully show consent to your partner? Try number 26. Want to show your partner just how much of a sex god you are? Number 40 should do the trick. Are you just really perverted? Number 36 never fails.
- What if your desired partner never watched SpongeBob, you ask? Get that uncultured swine away from your privates then, you easy piece of shit. Without further ado:
- Is your name Eugene? Because I want you to give me Krusty Krabs.
- Do you think the SpongeBob musical sucked? Clearly, you’ve never had oral sex with me.
- Just like the show, I’ll never stop.
- I’ll fuck your brains out so you end up like Patrick.
- You can take off my Bikini Bottoms.
- SpongeBob worships the Magic Conch, but you’ll worship my Magic Coochie.
- You’ll have me purring louder than Gary.
- It’s the Best Day Ever when you visit my Goo Lagoon.
- I’ll get crafty with my Magic Pencil.
- Mayonnaise might not be an instrument, but your orgasmic screeching is.
- I wear SquarePants but my Sandy Cheeks are anything but square.
- Oh baby, take me to your Chum Bucket.
- SpongeBob and Patrick aren’t the only ones fishing for clams today ;)
- Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?
- Blow me like Squidward’s clarinet.
- You can touch my SpongeBoobs, if you ask in the French narrator’s voice.
- If nautical nonsense be something you wish, (SpongeBob SquarePants!), then drop on this dick and flop like a fish (SpongeBob SquarePants!).
- Hey, let’s go to my place and wumbo.
- You can call me Pinhead tonight as long as we get to do the Dirty Dan.
- If I scored with you, it’d be a Sweet Victory.
- You might not have passed boating school, but you’ve got a learner’s permit for this dick.
- Draw me like one of your Squidward portraits.
- Are you a jellyfish? Because touching you seems dangerous, but I’m still very interested.
- You make me want to take off my clothes and yell, “I’m ready!”
- I’ll whip out my seven-mile spanking machine tonight ;)
- [French narrator]: One eternity later… and you’re still hella bangable.
- I’ll make you squeal louder than when Squilliam lost in the “Band Geeks” episode.
- Call me the Flying Dutchman, because I’m dead, green, and somehow still horny.
- Make sure you go Potty (the Parrot) after you have sex with me to prevent UTIs.
- Plankton is short, but my dick isn’t.
- Give me head like Squidward’s house.
- You won’t want to miss the panty raid ;)
- I’m a Y7 in the streets, but banned from basic cable in the sheets.
- I last longer than SpongeBob’s Super Bowl cameo.
- I smell a smelly smell that smells… like love.
- The inner machinations of my clitoris are an enigma.
- Put on your dining sock. I’m about to make this confusing for both of us.
- You make me harder than Karen’s hardware and twice as emotionally available.
- My ass is puffier than Mrs. Puff.
- “F” is for friends who fuck. “U” is for u and me. “N” is for anywhere and anytime.
—A.S.