{"id":920,"date":"2018-03-15T14:51:22","date_gmt":"2018-03-15T18:51:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=920"},"modified":"2026-08-20T00:26:05","modified_gmt":"2026-08-20T04:26:05","slug":"student-mistakes-actual-fishbowl-fishbowls-fishbowl-receives-email-god-assigning-hell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=920","title":{"rendered":"Student Mistakes Actual Fishbowl for \u201cFish Bowls\u201d Fishbowl"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Court-Kay-Bauer, Ithaca, NY\u2014<\/strong>Freshman Bobby McBobberson \u201921 (it\u2019s always the freshmen, innit) has been found guilty of drink-eating his two goldfish, Dr. Pepper and Barnacle, a lovely couple who had only just gotten married after days of courtship which tbh they forgot every five seconds.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI officiated their ceremony. I got a fishy certificate of priesthood from the same guy who made my fa\u2014REAL ID. I was there. I saw the love in their beady, glassy little eyes. They were so happy, and I killed them.\u201d He wept.<\/p>\n<p>Having just come back from a Wednesday night out studying in Collegetown, he returned in an excitable state, having been invigorated by Orgo. Mistaking his own fishbowl for one filled with alcoholic beverages as served in the inimitable, slightly disgusting, yet sordidly attractive (through no experience of this writer\u2019s) Level B club, he proceeded to drink the bowl dry, swallowing the two live fish in the process.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know the weird thing, though?\u201d he is quoted as saying, looking up tearfully from the corner to which he had relegated himself whilst he sobbed inconsolably in his unimaginable grief. \u201cThey tasted like chicken.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>After another night out to alleviate his sorrow, this time to watch the football game (literally, who cares which one, they\u2019re all the same anyways) at Loco\u2019s, he randomly refreshed his email on his phone, and was horrified to find an email from The Lord and Savior himself, informing him of his assignment to hell for his sins.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t believe I\u2019m going to be subjected to fire and brimstone for eternity.\u201d He observed in TCAT bus 92 in the midst of making random Snapchat BFFLs and signing autographs for awed prefrosh. \u201cOnly Korean Jesus can save me now. White Jesus is not as bro, and he wasn\u2019t even in <em>21 Jump Street,<\/em> so he like doesn\u2019t even have the CSA (Channing Stamp of Approval).\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Stay tuned for updates as Bobby takes the Journey of Jesus on Facebook (real game with a real sequel: Journey of Moses) to find his redemption. Godspeed, Bobby!<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: right;\">\u2014Shaina Verma \u201918<\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div class=\"mh-excerpt\"><p> <a class=\"mh-excerpt-more\" href=\"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=920\" title=\"Student Mistakes Actual Fishbowl for \u201cFish Bowls\u201d Fishbowl\"><\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2776,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[22],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-920","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-content"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9Nlau-eQ","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":806,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=806","url_meta":{"origin":920,"position":0},"title":"Finding My Precious [Parka]","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"November 15, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Last night, I was visited by Gandalf in a dream and invited to go on the quest to find my perfect parka for the winter. We were having none of those namby-pamby synthetic non-down high-tech light jackets. I would go out and find the most hardy coat I could, with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Content&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1182,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1182","url_meta":{"origin":920,"position":1},"title":"How To Get Over Your Fear of Having Sex With Fruit","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"June 3, 2026","format":false,"excerpt":"This article should not be construed as medical advice, legal advice, or sensible advice.\u00a0 Some of you out there enjoy a nice pickle tickle. It\u2019s only natural, according to several studies I would cite if I could remember them. Having sex with food is one thing. After all, we\u2019ve all\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Content&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/watermelon-2806875_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/watermelon-2806875_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/watermelon-2806875_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/watermelon-2806875_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1167,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1167","url_meta":{"origin":920,"position":2},"title":"Daddy Issues","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"March 4, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"When I came to Cornell, I faced some unexpected challenges. I didn\u2019t expect to have any issues with the daily consumption of excess Adderall. I didn\u2019t expect I\u2019d be facing my own mortality at 10:30 p.m. after a Chem prelim when some strange force within me stopped me while crossing\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Content&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":816,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=816","url_meta":{"origin":920,"position":3},"title":"Inside the Mind of the Great American Frat Bro","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"November 30, 2017","format":"quote","excerpt":"I\u2019m fiscally conservative. But I listen to Kendrick Lamar and shit, and I totally understand the black experience, and I get it, man, ya know. You guys wanna get pitchers after this? I signed up for this philosophy class cause I thought it would be a good way to meet\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Content&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1316,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1316","url_meta":{"origin":920,"position":4},"title":"How to Ditch Your Hookup: A Comprehensive Guide","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 15, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"So Valentine's day is officially over, and congratulations! You didn\u2019t spend it by yourself smoking pot in a bathrobe. But now that you\u2019ve finally achieved your lifelong dream of validating yourself by finding a meaningless hookup for a socially constructed, consumerist holiday, how do you get rid of him? Like\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Content&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1141,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1141","url_meta":{"origin":920,"position":5},"title":"Why I Don\u2019t Need Love This Week Because of Indie Rock","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 13, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"As I roam the campus this week, I\u2019m bound to see a ton of couples walking together, enjoying each other\u2019s company. Many will feel the love in the air as people from different walks of life try and find someone with whom they can relate. Someone to hold. Someone to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In &quot;Content&quot;","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/Fish-Bowl.png?fit=1536%2C1024&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/920","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=920"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/920\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2459,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/920\/revisions\/2459"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2776"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=920"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=920"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=920"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}