{"id":789,"date":"2017-10-28T16:30:06","date_gmt":"2017-10-28T20:30:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=789"},"modified":"2026-06-20T20:58:02","modified_gmt":"2026-06-21T00:58:02","slug":"the-inconvenience","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=789","title":{"rendered":"The Inconvenience"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cEnter.\u201d A cold, powerful voice boomed through the rich, mahogany doors.<\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins burst into the conference room with as much bravado as he could muster with a receding hairline and hemorrhoid cream musk. A figure stood across the room, looking out at the skyline through the floor-to-ceiling windows. <\/span><\/p>\n

A harried secretary panted into the room. \u201cMr. Buffman, I\u2019m so sorry. I told Mr. Jenkins here that you were\u2026\u201d The shadowed man raised his hand and she quieted. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo trouble, Alexis. This isn\u2019t too<\/span> much of an\u2026 <\/span>inconvenience<\/span><\/i>. You can get back to browsing <\/span>r\/birdswitharms<\/span>.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins was fuming. \u201cOh, this isn\u2019t too <\/span>inconvenient<\/span><\/i> for you, is it? I don\u2019t give a flying spacedick about whether this is <\/span>convenient<\/span><\/i> for you or not. We have two weeks, two bloody weeks, until MENO\u2026 and we have got nothing to show for it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. Buffman chuckled to himself. \u201cYou paused for a moment after saying the conference name. MENO\u2026 pause\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins sighed. \u201cYes, your humor is as evilly horrible and unfunny as r\/funny, but it can not be entered into the Most Evil Nefarious Organization\u2019s yearly conference!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIndeed,\u201d the super villain CEO mused, turning to face his belligerent, balding companion. Buffman\u2019s neckbeard twinkled in the afternoon gloom coming through the windows. He smoothed his ponytail back with lightly Cheeto-dusted fingers and leaned forward on his personal Segway towards Jenkins. \u201cBut we will not be leaving in the corporate submarine with nothing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see how that is possible,\u201d Jenkins said coolly. \u201cResearch spent the entire quarter doing analysis on optimizing how to better reduce corporate productivity. And Development blew their budget on robotically tightened pickle jars without realizing millennials are killing the pickle industry.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe should look into increasing communication between those departments.\u201d The pensive CEO dismounted from his monogrammed ride and started pacing. \u201cListen\u2026 I haven\u2019t been completely honest with the board. I have a plan. But you must promise not to tell a single soul or comment bot\u2026 and no bamboozles.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins looked as if his mother\u2019s funeral came early. \u201cYes! We\u2019re saved! I knew you must have something, boss. No one\u2019s ever been as evil as you since\u2026 well\u2026 Mike Myers in short intervals between 1997 and 2002. What is it, Mr. Buffman, you\u2019ve gotta tell me!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The CEO smiled. \u201cYou may find this hard to believe, but I promise every word of it is true. While I was fact-checking a particularly feisty Brony on <\/span>r\/eltonjohn<\/span>, I fell into a vat of toxic waste and developed mutant superpowers.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins took a sip of water just in time to spit it out. \u201c<\/span>r\/eltonjohn<\/span>!? Bullshit, I always pegged you as a <\/span>r\/davidbowie<\/span> guy for your flamboyant pop-rock star subreddit fix.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Buffman continued, \u201cI soon realized my newfound abilities and just how powerful they were.\u201d He raised his hands and looked at them in awe. \u201cAnd I used to think true power was getting Reddit gold for the first time\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins\u2019 jaw dropped. \u201cW-what is this?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Buffman looked him straight in his watery eyes. \u201cThis is exactly how we will sweep MENO and take home the Golden Six-Pack Rings, the most prestigious symbol of evil. Let me ask you something Jenkins\u2026 have you ever tried plugging in a typical USB-A cable?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins gasped. \u201cIt\u2019s impossible to do so correctly the first time! It always takes no less than three attempts. Scientists said it was a combination of quantum physics and Murphy\u2019s Law\u2026 but it was you all along!?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Buffman nodded with a glint in his eye. <\/span><\/p>\n

Jenkins\u2019 mind was racing. \u201cYes, yes, that is <\/span>truly<\/span><\/i> evil, but now laptops and phones have the new reversible USB-C port. You can plug it in either way and it works. And many tech enthusiasts are saying this will be the one port for everything\u2026 it seems your power will be useless, sir.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Mr. Buffman\u2019s smile grew wider. \u201cAnd I thought the same, my expository friend. But mutations allow us to adapt, to change for the better. So now I ask you this second also rhetorical question: when people try to use their new-fangled devices with the rest of the world\u2019s own, how ever will they connect their computers and tablets and USB-powered popcorn launchers?<\/span><\/p>\n

Dawning realization crept across Jenkin\u2019s face. A cold sweat covered his body from his Dr. Scholl\u2019s orthopedic inserts to underneath his custom business hairpiece.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDongles, Jenkins. Dongles large and dongles small. They will use my dongle simply because they must. An extra purchase to maintain the same functionality. Forged by Lucifer himself in the fires of Hell. Like your itchy toupee, Jenkins, it is truly the most evil and minor of inconveniences\u2026 yet.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014Matt Barker \u201919<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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