{"id":721,"date":"2017-08-17T17:12:48","date_gmt":"2017-08-17T21:12:48","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=721"},"modified":"2026-06-20T20:58:37","modified_gmt":"2026-06-21T00:58:37","slug":"the-ballad-of-bros","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=721","title":{"rendered":"\u2019Twas the night before O-Week…"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u2019Twas the night before O-Week, when all through Cornell
\n<\/span>Not a creature was stirring, not even one of the many rats that live in every North Campus stairwell.
\n<\/span>The freshman were nestled, all snug in their beds,
\n<\/span>While visions of academic recognition danced in their heads.
\n<\/span>When out on the quad there arose such a clatter,
\n<\/span>I sprang from my inconveniently-sized twin bed to see what was the matter.
\n<\/span>When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
\n<\/span>But a sick freshman and eight dudes full of beer!
\n<\/span>More rapid than eagles his friends they all came,
\n<\/span>And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
\n<\/span>\u201cNow, <\/span>Brad<\/span><\/i>!<\/em> now, <\/span>Chad<\/span><\/i>!<\/em> now <\/span>Bryce<\/span><\/i> and <\/span>Mike<\/span><\/i>!<\/em>
\n<\/span>On, <\/span>John<\/span><\/i>!<\/em> on, <\/span>Tom<\/span><\/i>!<\/em> on, <\/span>Ike<\/span><\/i> and <\/span>the other Mike<\/span><\/i>!<\/em>
\n<\/span>Right next to this wall! Where I hooked up with that girl!
\n<\/span>Now dash away! Dash away! I\u2019m going to hurl!\u201d
\n<\/span>And then, in a heaving, I heard by the wall
\n<\/span>The gagging and splashing of too much alcohol.
\n<\/span>A wipe of his mouth and a twist of his head
\n<\/span>Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
\n<\/span>He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
\n<\/span>And stumbled back home like some kind of jerk.
\n<\/span>But I heard him exclaim, \u2019ere he hobbled out of sight\u2014
\n<\/span>\u201cHappy O-Week to all, and to all a good night!\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

\u2014Ian Kranz \u201919<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2173,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[22],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-721","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-content"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9Nlau-bD","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":194,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=194","url_meta":{"origin":721,"position":0},"title":"Search for a Universal Ratio","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 15, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Scientists around campus are scrambling to try to solve a problem that has haunted Cornell for years. The mathematical concept known as \u201cThe Ratio,\u201d the key for freshman guys getting into frat parties, remains undefined. Researchers swear they are inching closer every day and believe new technology will allow them\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/fibonaccispiral.jpg?fit=535%2C338&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/fibonaccispiral.jpg?fit=535%2C338&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/fibonaccispiral.jpg?fit=535%2C338&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":920,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=920","url_meta":{"origin":721,"position":1},"title":"Student Mistakes Actual Fishbowl for \u201cFish Bowls\u201d Fishbowl","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"March 15, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Court-Kay-Bauer, Ithaca, NY\u2014Freshman Bobby McBobberson \u201921 (it\u2019s always the freshmen, innit) has been found guilty of drink-eating his two goldfish, Dr. Pepper and Barnacle, a lovely couple who had only just gotten married after days of courtship which tbh they forgot every five seconds. \u201cI officiated their ceremony. I got\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/Fish-Bowl.png?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/Fish-Bowl.png?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/Fish-Bowl.png?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/Fish-Bowl.png?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/Fish-Bowl.png?fit=1200%2C800&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":793,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=793","url_meta":{"origin":721,"position":2},"title":"Vampire","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"October 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Vampire: Prepare to die, mere mortal, as on this All Hollow\u2019s Eve, I will drink thy blood and live forever. Cameron: Lord, help me please\u2014wait, Dylan, is that you? Vampire: What up, Cam? I heard you got a new job at a different firm here in New York. How\u2019s it\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/Vampire.jpg?fit=681%2C507&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/Vampire.jpg?fit=681%2C507&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/Vampire.jpg?fit=681%2C507&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1316,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1316","url_meta":{"origin":721,"position":3},"title":"How to Ditch Your Hookup: A Comprehensive Guide","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 15, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"So Valentine's day is officially over, and congratulations! You didn\u2019t spend it by yourself smoking pot in a bathrobe. But now that you\u2019ve finally achieved your lifelong dream of validating yourself by finding a meaningless hookup for a socially constructed, consumerist holiday, how do you get rid of him? Like\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":589,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=589","url_meta":{"origin":721,"position":4},"title":"10 Reasons You Should Read Our Upcoming Issue","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"January 16, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"This semester, we have a \u201cheaven and hell\u201d theme for the magazine. You can have fun reading some slightly funny pieces while learning about God, Lucifer, and their love child: Ezra Cornell. Last semester, we raised over $10,000 dollars from alumni and other generous donors. Imagine if you could raise\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/HeavenHell.png?fit=811%2C510&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/HeavenHell.png?fit=811%2C510&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/HeavenHell.png?fit=811%2C510&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/HeavenHell.png?fit=811%2C510&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1141,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1141","url_meta":{"origin":721,"position":5},"title":"Why I Don\u2019t Need Love This Week Because of Indie Rock","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 13, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"As I roam the campus this week, I\u2019m bound to see a ton of couples walking together, enjoying each other\u2019s company. Many will feel the love in the air as people from different walks of life try and find someone with whom they can relate. Someone to hold. Someone to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/header-for-indie-shit.jpg?fit=1200%2C671&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/P1010079-e1781929962724.jpg?fit=1984%2C1286&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/721","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=721"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/721\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2172,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/721\/revisions\/2172"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2173"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=721"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=721"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=721"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}