{"id":261,"date":"2016-02-18T02:45:56","date_gmt":"2016-02-18T02:45:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/s1081577.instanturl.net\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp\/?p=261"},"modified":"2026-06-20T21:00:50","modified_gmt":"2026-06-21T01:00:50","slug":"disgruntled-cafeteria-worker-caught-in-vegan-food-forgery","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=261","title":{"rendered":"Disgruntled Cafeteria Worker Caught in Vegan Food Forgery"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ithaca, NY<\/b>\u2014Recent police investigations have revealed the presence of meat extract in several of the campus\u2019s allegedly vegan dishes. <\/span><\/p>\n

While initial research suggested the extract was a result of confusion in the kitchen, an anonymous tipster has come forth with new information detailing the massive coup staged by one unhappy cafeteria staff member. According to the new information, more than twenty middle-aged cafeteria staff members were involved in this violation of principle for the more than seventeen vegans affected.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

According to the report, the disgruntled worker was motivated by a particularly rude student\u2019s passing remark of her being a \u201cbasic bitch.\u201d \u00a0The worker then assembled a task force of equally unhappy workers, and together they began to add small amounts of chicken extract to many of the vegan dishes served.<\/p>\n

An unnamed member of the task force remarked, \u201cIt was something to do, and it gave me great satisfaction to know that somewhere, a vegan was, in fact, consuming a small amount of meat.\u201d<\/p>\n

It is unknown whether the university will be pursuing action against the staff members involved at this point. According to one of the lawyers involved in considering the matter, the lawsuit \u201cis it risk of being thrown out immediately due to the difficulty involved in creating a respectable name for the suit.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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Officials say it will increase by approximately $1,273, to offset the cost of the more than 100 planned events with free t-shirts. \u00a0 According to an unnamed representative,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/T-shirts.png?fit=1200%2C400&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/T-shirts.png?fit=1200%2C400&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/T-shirts.png?fit=1200%2C400&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/T-shirts.png?fit=1200%2C400&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/T-shirts.png?fit=1200%2C400&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":259,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=259","url_meta":{"origin":261,"position":1},"title":"Yakarma Scores Spike in Anticipation of Yik Yak Writing Seminar","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Ithaca, NY\u2014University officials have recently added a new First-Year Writing Seminar (FWS) based entirely on the usage habits of Yik Yak. Students will be encouraged to \u201cride the Yak\u201d as part of each of their assignments. Essays will be graded for content, grammar, and Yakarma scores. As is customary with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/th.jpg?fit=300%2C300&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":228,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=228","url_meta":{"origin":261,"position":2},"title":"Recent Shift in Time-Space Continuum Enables Long-Distance Nagging","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 17, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Ithaca, NY\u2014On October 5th, a student (name withheld) reported \u201crepeated instances of nagging and guilt-tripping\u201d to CUPD. 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