{"id":228,"date":"2015-02-17T21:43:34","date_gmt":"2015-02-17T21:43:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/s1081577.instanturl.net\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp\/?p=228"},"modified":"2026-06-20T23:41:38","modified_gmt":"2026-06-21T03:41:38","slug":"recent-shift-in-time-space-continuum-enables-long-distance-nagging","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=228","title":{"rendered":"Recent Shift in Time-Space Continuum Enables Long-Distance Nagging"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Ithaca, NY<\/strong>\u2014On October 5th, a student (name withheld) reported \u201crepeated instances of nagging and guilt-tripping\u201d to CUPD. Days later, the student was checked into Gannett Health Services for \u201challucinations and mental instability.\u201d<\/p>\n

Since then, numerous cases of what is now being referred to as \u201cImagined Procrastination Disorder\u201d have been reported at colleges and universities across the northeastern United States.<\/p>\n

Engineering students suffering from IPD have spent several weeks researching the ailment, and have determined that the current \u201cGeospatial Unstable Intergenerational Long-distance Timeframe\u201d shift allows parents to nag their children over long distances.<\/p>\n

Says one Cornellian, \u201dMy mom loves to tell me to get to work, but lately I just can\u2019t deal with the GUILT!\u201d According to reports, the GUILT causes issues primarily for architecture and engineering students. Gannett Health Services is continuing to investigate this phenomenon.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Update (11\/03\/14): Official research has shown that the GUILT is imagined, and that the hallucinations are a Seasonal Affective Disorder which tends to show symptoms during prelim season, finals season, and pumpkin spice latte season. Further research also indicates that all students affected by the GUILT tend to be students who have developed self-destructive habits during their time at the university, such as weekday alcohol consumption or Netflix binging.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Update (12\/04\/14): The university admissions office has recorded that more than 70 percent of the students suffering from GUILT-related hallucinations are transferring to Ithaca College for the Spring 2015 semester.<\/p>\n

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<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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