Scientists around campus are scrambling to try to solve a problem that has haunted Cornell for years. The mathematical concept known as \u201cThe Ratio,\u201d the key for freshman guys getting into frat parties, remains undefined. Researchers swear they are inching closer every day and believe new technology will allow them to make progress undreamed of decades ago.<\/p>\n
The Ratio, of course, is the proportion of women to men in a freshman pack. The Ratio has long been the most important aspect of freshman society. The right Ratio will lead to happy nights packed inside of overcrowded annexes with boundless amounts of Keystone Light; the wrong Ratio will mean a night alone with his laptop.<\/p>\n
Scientists are searching to find a universal constant for the Ratio that will guarantee any freshman admission into frat paradise. Until then, freshmen will continue to suffer.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just want to get laid,\u201d said one frosh roaming the streets of Collegetown. \u201cBut I can never get into any parties. Frat bros always laugh at my ratio.\u201d<\/p>\n
A common misconception holds that a freshman guy can simply go out socially with a large group of women and be fine. But a guy surrounded by too many women may come off as creepy or desperate to fit in. And does a huge group of engineering women have the same weight as a huge group of Alpha Phi women? What about Ithaca College students, do they count? Depending on the fraternity, a guy may get sent packing even with one hundred women from I.C. in tow.<\/p>\n
Another problem in defining the Ratio is the Anti-ratio. This, of course, is when a guy manages to get into a frat party without having a higher number of women than men in his pack. Athletes, legacies, and that rich dude from Long Island generally don\u2019t need a great ratio to get into a party. This goes directly against the Quantum Theory of the Frat Bro, which speculates that a good ratio is necessary for admission into a frat party.<\/p>\n
This phenomenon has puzzled scientists. \u201cWe see it all the time\u2014a young man gets turned away with a two to one ratio while the freshman quarterback gets in with a one to four,\u201d said a researcher at Cornell\u2019s Institute for Freshman Awareness (CIFA). \u201cIt\u2019s not acceptable, and we won\u2019t stand for this.\u201d<\/p>\n
Many factors must be taken into scientists\u2019 calculations: the fraternity\u2019s Scoville Scale of Perceived Hotness, the amount of Vineyard Vines on the guy, and countless other variables. The amount of data being collected is enough to boggle even the most advanced of supercomputers. Even then, researchers are still confident that a formula for the Ratio will be ready within the next decade.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re working hard, and we will get this done,\u201d said CIFA president Keith Stone. \u201cIf I see another freshman doing pushups for admission into a frat house, I\u2019m going to be sick. Everyone should know exactly what ratio is needed for entry. It\u2019s a basic human right.\u201d<\/p>\n
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