{"id":1216,"date":"2021-07-03T21:45:26","date_gmt":"2021-07-04T01:45:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1216"},"modified":"2026-06-22T15:58:11","modified_gmt":"2026-06-22T19:58:11","slug":"time-replace-constitution-bread","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1216","title":{"rendered":"It’s Time to Replace the Constitution with Bread"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is what I envision our future government will look like. As you can see, the word \u201cBread\u201d is legibly written across an end piece of bread with ketchup on an impeccable Costco paper plate. I lament that this is too meta for you to understand, but true art does not conform to accommodate its uncultured viewer.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

As a very highly competent scholar-candidate for the Bachelors of Arts degree, I have been made aware that the Fourth of July is about the Declaration of Independence. But by my logic, if the Fourth of July is also the de facto holiday for folks to cover their crotches in USA flag swimwear, it should be about the Constitution too. <\/span><\/p>\n

And while the Constitution is all fine and dandy, it\u2019s got a lot of issues as well. The only way to fix problems is to think outside the box and to be daring. That\u2019s why I advocate getting rid of this antiquated form of government and replacing it with everyone\u2019s favorite carbohydrate. Just as I am a revolutionary, I am also a woman of the people\u2014you bet your ass that the Harvard Law Review<\/em> was slobbering over my theories of statecraft, but I have decided instead to publish them here for public consumption instead.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PRO: Bread serves as an exquisite creative medium.
\n<\/strong>See image above.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PRO: Would more clearly define what counts as treason.
\n<\/strong>For example, the song \u201c24K Magic\u201d by Bruno Mars. Need I say more?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PRO: A lot easier to interpret than a 200+ year old piece of paper.
\n<\/strong>What the hell is a well-regulated militia? That\u2019s not a rhetorical question because no one seems to know what the fuck it means. I don\u2019t know about you, but I think it\u2019s a lot easier to understand the right to possess bread than the right to bear arms. No more need for Ruth Baker Ginsburg and Baguette Kavanaugh. [Here lies another instance in which I lament your inability to comprehend the sophistication of this joke.]\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PRO: Bread is easier to fit into your pocket than a pocket-sized Constitution.
\n<\/strong>Ever heard of pocket-sized bread? No, because bread is inherently pocket-sized. You may be thinking, \u201cA whole loaf of bread or a baguette won\u2019t fit into a pocket.\u201d Before you assume that you have outwitted me, a very highly competent scholar-candidate for the Bachelors of Arts degree, you should realize that I didn\u2019t say I\u2019d replace the Constitution with a loaf of bread or a baguette. I said that I\u2019d replace it with bread, which by my confidential measures, I would define to be small. Besides, why do we need our rights written down since we do such a good job enforcing them for all Americans, even our most vulnerable?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PRO: No more federally-mandated U.S. Postal Service.
\n<\/strong>For all you laypeople, Article 1, Section 8, Clause 7 basically let the imperious U.S. Postal Service wreak havoc on America\u2019s middle class by ruthlessly sucking taxpayer money to produce ugly stamps. Although my mailman is an OG, there\u2019s no room for inefficiency in the bread-eat-bread capitalist society that we live in. Replacing the Constitution with bread will make the government stop afflicting tyranny on the American people and incentivize the removal of other overbearing government bodies like the judicial system.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

PRO: Throw every other government that was based on the U.S. Constitution into chaos.
\n<\/strong>It\u2019s time to get payback for every single country in the world that stole our ideas. The great Constitution of the United States is purely AMERICAN. Whoever says that some shit called the \u201cMagna Carta\u201d or the \u201cEnlightenment\u201d influenced the founding of THE United States of America is part of the globalist conspiracy. What makes it even worse is that we never forced our ideas onto the world or anything like that either. Replacing the Constitution with bread (another purely American invention) will take all the imbecile copycats completely by surprise and leave their governments in shambles.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Happy Fourth of July!<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014A.S. \u201922<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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