{"id":1182,"date":"2026-06-03T07:45:11","date_gmt":"2026-06-03T11:45:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1182"},"modified":"2026-06-22T10:28:48","modified_gmt":"2026-06-22T14:28:48","slug":"get-fear-sex-fruit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1182","title":{"rendered":"How To Get Over Your Fear of Having Sex With Fruit"},"content":{"rendered":"

This article should not be construed as medical advice, legal advice, or sensible advice.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Some of you out there enjoy a nice pickle tickle. It\u2019s only natural, according to several studies I would cite if I could remember them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Having sex with food is one thing. After all, we\u2019ve all fucked the occasional carrot or potato, but sometimes we all need something a little sweeter. Sometimes we need a fruit. But oftentimes, we\u2019re scared to take a walk down the produce aisle.<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been mortified by that YouTube video of Tiffany Haddish teaching America oral sex tips with a grapefruit. That can be very intimidating. Grapefruits are very large fruit. But sometimes you can get just as much pleasure from much smaller fruits.<\/span><\/p>\n

Peaches are inherently the same as butts, explaining why so many Renaissance painters focused on them, as did the French impressionist Paul C\u00e9zanne, who, if I recall correctly from my Art History class, concentrated heavily on round things and once proclaimed, \u201cWith an apple I will astonish Paris.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As someone who has been banned from three farmers markets and one Edible Arrangements, I strongly believe sex education in schools must include a mandatory unit on consensual farm-to-bedroom intimacy and basic mellon-baller safety.<\/p>\n

But back to peaches, nature\u2019s petite derri\u00e8re. If you get physically involved with a peach, it\u2019s functionally anal. Just watch out for the pit. If it helps, pretend you\u2019re fucking an elderly man with an enlarged prostate. Trust me, it feels just the same.<\/span><\/p>\n

Or move onto something larger, like a watermelon, or a pumpkin, if you\u2019re ready for autumn.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yep. I know it looks intimidating, but just shove the entire thing up there. Or cut a hole out and have fun. Sculpt it as you wish. Just imagine these melons are human testicles, because watermelons feel exactly like human testicles. This is basic anatomy.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t believe me, speak to a doctor. You may not see the similarity because you don\u2019t have testicles, which, if you\u2019re a man, is probably worth confirming medically. <\/span><\/p>\n

Either way, I\u2019m sorry you\u2019ve had to resort to fruit. There\u2019s someone out there for you. Keep trying. I\u2019m single, by the way. And alone. Very alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

Incidentally, do not attempt pineapple without first consulting both a physician and a priest. And whatever you do, avoid coconuts.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m just extending the article so I look smarter because I\u2019ve written more. Please help. I want someone to hold while I peel back their skin and fuck them\u2014wait, no, those are fruit, not people. I often confuse the two. I just want to bite into something juicy and have its juices spill all over\u2014wait no, still fruit. My bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

I just want to feel something, anything at this point, and if that means I have to stand in a grocery store whispering sweet nothings to a cantaloupe, then so be it. <\/span><\/p>\n

If it means I have to make prolonged eye contact with a cashier to buy a honeydew, I accept that burden.<\/span><\/p>\n

If it means I have to ask a Whole Foods employee which fruit \u201clooks loneliest\u201d and then nod gravely when she says \u201cpomegranate,\u201d I will keep that secret.<\/p>\n

If it means I need an inappropriate relationship with a papaya to remember what it\u2019s like to be alive, then bring it on. <\/span><\/p>\n

Because fucking fruit is not just about feeling less alone, it\u2019s about having the courage, intimacy, and primal lust to stand before society, raise a plum to the sky, and shout, \u201cYou made me this way.\u201d I say: Fuck. A. Fruit. <\/span><\/p>\n

Sort of like Chuck. E. Cheese. <\/span><\/p>\n

Spiritually, anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014Anonymous<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1183,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[22,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1182","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-content","category-featured"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9Nlau-j4","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":1136,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1136","url_meta":{"origin":1182,"position":0},"title":"The Ultimate Foolproof Guide for Getting Laid","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 13, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Spending your Valentine\u2019s Day alone as usual? Not to worry! Over here at The Cornell Lunatic, we are very knowledgeable on how to initiate and engage in the sex. Like I had to remind you anyway. Thus, in an unprecedented act of generosity, we have released the most comprehensive guide\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/16398503721_d1727b2b8c_b.jpg?fit=1024%2C889&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/16398503721_d1727b2b8c_b.jpg?fit=1024%2C889&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/16398503721_d1727b2b8c_b.jpg?fit=1024%2C889&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/16398503721_d1727b2b8c_b.jpg?fit=1024%2C889&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1316,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1316","url_meta":{"origin":1182,"position":1},"title":"How to Ditch Your Hookup: A Comprehensive Guide","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 15, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"So Valentine's day is officially over, and congratulations! You didn\u2019t spend it by yourself smoking pot in a bathrobe. But now that you\u2019ve finally achieved your lifelong dream of validating yourself by finding a meaningless hookup for a socially constructed, consumerist holiday, how do you get rid of him? Like\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/02\/Via_ValentinesPiece.jpg?fit=910%2C607&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":816,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=816","url_meta":{"origin":1182,"position":2},"title":"Inside the Mind of the Great American Frat Bro","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"November 30, 2017","format":"quote","excerpt":"I\u2019m fiscally conservative. But I listen to Kendrick Lamar and shit, and I totally understand the black experience, and I get it, man, ya know. You guys wanna get pitchers after this? I signed up for this philosophy class cause I thought it would be a good way to meet\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/06\/IMG_3124-scaled.jpeg?fit=1200%2C992&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":186,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=186","url_meta":{"origin":1182,"position":3},"title":"A Commentary on Sexual Identity in a Post Star Wars Culture","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 15, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"They say that every straight guy is allowed one man-crush. For me, the clear winner by far is Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. There\u2019s just something about those rubbery eye-stalks and sing-song voice that really does it for me. Just imagine the sound of\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/02\/Screen-Shot-2015-02-16-at-9.56.11-PM.png?fit=318%2C384&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":846,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=846","url_meta":{"origin":1182,"position":4},"title":"The Lunatic Presents: A Conversation with Ron Funches","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"December 21, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Most of us Cornellians enjoy telling jokes, smoking weed, and playing video games. However, rarely do we get a career performing these activities, as we will often end up selling our souls as we work on Wall Street making ridiculous amounts of money and start claiming that we are \u201csocially\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/RonFunches.jpg?fit=700%2C933&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/RonFunches.jpg?fit=700%2C933&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/RonFunches.jpg?fit=700%2C933&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/RonFunches.jpg?fit=700%2C933&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":742,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=742","url_meta":{"origin":1182,"position":5},"title":"LL Cool J’s \u201cMama Said Knock You Out\u201d: An Analysis of Some Lyrics of this Famous \u201990s Song","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"October 10, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Don\u2019t call it a comeback, I been here for years \/ Rocking my peers and putting suckas in fears\u201d In this rocking start to the song, LL Cool J emphasizes the fact that he is God, our Lord and Heavenly Father. He\u2019s been here for so many years that one\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/watermelon-2806875_960_720.jpg?fit=960%2C640&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1182","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1182"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1182\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2449,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1182\/revisions\/2449"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1183"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1182"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1182"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1182"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}