{"id":1182,"date":"2026-06-03T07:45:11","date_gmt":"2026-06-03T11:45:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1182"},"modified":"2026-06-22T10:28:48","modified_gmt":"2026-06-22T14:28:48","slug":"get-fear-sex-fruit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1182","title":{"rendered":"How To Get Over Your Fear of Having Sex With Fruit"},"content":{"rendered":"

This article should not be construed as medical advice, legal advice, or sensible advice.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Some of you out there enjoy a nice pickle tickle. It\u2019s only natural, according to several studies I would cite if I could remember them.<\/span><\/p>\n

Having sex with food is one thing. After all, we\u2019ve all fucked the occasional carrot or potato, but sometimes we all need something a little sweeter. Sometimes we need a fruit. But oftentimes, we\u2019re scared to take a walk down the produce aisle.<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been mortified by that YouTube video of Tiffany Haddish teaching America oral sex tips with a grapefruit. That can be very intimidating. Grapefruits are very large fruit. But sometimes you can get just as much pleasure from much smaller fruits.<\/span><\/p>\n

Peaches are inherently the same as butts, explaining why so many Renaissance painters focused on them, as did the French impressionist Paul C\u00e9zanne, who, if I recall correctly from my Art History class, concentrated heavily on round things and once proclaimed, \u201cWith an apple I will astonish Paris.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As someone who has been banned from three farmers markets and one Edible Arrangements, I strongly believe sex education in schools must include a mandatory unit on consensual farm-to-bedroom intimacy and basic mellon-baller safety.<\/p>\n

But back to peaches, nature\u2019s petite derri\u00e8re. If you get physically involved with a peach, it\u2019s functionally anal. Just watch out for the pit. If it helps, pretend you\u2019re fucking an elderly man with an enlarged prostate. Trust me, it feels just the same.<\/span><\/p>\n

Or move onto something larger, like a watermelon, or a pumpkin, if you\u2019re ready for autumn.<\/span><\/p>\n

Yep. I know it looks intimidating, but just shove the entire thing up there. Or cut a hole out and have fun. Sculpt it as you wish. Just imagine these melons are human testicles, because watermelons feel exactly like human testicles. This is basic anatomy.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t believe me, speak to a doctor. You may not see the similarity because you don\u2019t have testicles, which, if you\u2019re a man, is probably worth confirming medically. <\/span><\/p>\n

Either way, I\u2019m sorry you\u2019ve had to resort to fruit. There\u2019s someone out there for you. Keep trying. I\u2019m single, by the way. And alone. Very alone.<\/span><\/p>\n

Incidentally, do not attempt pineapple without first consulting both a physician and a priest. And whatever you do, avoid coconuts.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m just extending the article so I look smarter because I\u2019ve written more. Please help. I want someone to hold while I peel back their skin and fuck them\u2014wait, no, those are fruit, not people. I often confuse the two. I just want to bite into something juicy and have its juices spill all over\u2014wait no, still fruit. My bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

I just want to feel something, anything at this point, and if that means I have to stand in a grocery store whispering sweet nothings to a cantaloupe, then so be it. <\/span><\/p>\n

If it means I have to make prolonged eye contact with a cashier to buy a honeydew, I accept that burden.<\/span><\/p>\n

If it means I have to ask a Whole Foods employee which fruit \u201clooks loneliest\u201d and then nod gravely when she says \u201cpomegranate,\u201d I will keep that secret.<\/p>\n

If it means I need an inappropriate relationship with a papaya to remember what it\u2019s like to be alive, then bring it on. <\/span><\/p>\n

Because fucking fruit is not just about feeling less alone, it\u2019s about having the courage, intimacy, and primal lust to stand before society, raise a plum to the sky, and shout, \u201cYou made me this way.\u201d I say: Fuck. A. Fruit. <\/span><\/p>\n

Sort of like Chuck. E. Cheese. <\/span><\/p>\n

Spiritually, anyway.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014Anonymous<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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