{"id":1136,"date":"2020-02-13T14:50:56","date_gmt":"2020-02-13T19:50:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1136"},"modified":"2026-06-22T15:05:02","modified_gmt":"2026-06-22T19:05:02","slug":"ultimate-foolproof-guide-getting-laid","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1136","title":{"rendered":"The Ultimate Foolproof Guide for Getting Laid"},"content":{"rendered":"

Spending your Valentine\u2019s Day alone as usual? Not to worry! Over here at The Cornell Lunatic<\/em>, we are very knowledgeable on how to initiate and engage in the sex. Like I had to remind you anyway. <\/span><\/p>\n

Thus, in an unprecedented act of generosity, we have released the most comprehensive guide on how to obtain your genitalia of choice. The secret you\u2019ve been missing out on for your entire life: these scorching-hot SpongeBob pick-up lines. <\/span><\/p>\n

I guarantee you that there\u2019ll be a line that suits any situation you might find yourself in. Need to playfully show consent to your partner? Try number 26. Want to show your partner just how much of a sex god you are? Number 40 should do the trick. Are you just really perverted? Number 36 never fails. <\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. What if your desired partner never watched SpongeBob<\/em>, you ask? Get that uncultured swine away from your privates then, you easy piece of shit. Without further ado: <\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Is your name Eugene? Because I want you to give me Krusty Krabs. <\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Do you think the SpongeBob<\/em> musical sucked? Clearly, you\u2019ve never had oral sex with me. <\/span><\/li>\n
  4. Just like the show, I\u2019ll never stop. \u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  5. I\u2019ll fuck your brains out so you end up like Patrick. <\/span><\/li>\n
  6. You can take off my Bikini Bottoms. <\/span><\/li>\n
  7. SpongeBob worships the Magic Conch, but you\u2019ll worship my Magic Coochie. <\/span><\/li>\n
  8. You\u2019ll have me purring louder than Gary. <\/span><\/li>\n
  9. It\u2019s the Best Day Ever when you visit my Goo Lagoon. <\/span><\/li>\n
  10. I\u2019ll get crafty with my Magic Pencil.<\/span><\/li>\n
  11. Mayonnaise might not be an instrument, but your orgasmic screeching is. \u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  12. I wear SquarePants but my Sandy Cheeks are anything but square.<\/span><\/li>\n
  13. Oh baby, take me to your Chum Bucket.<\/span><\/li>\n
  14. SpongeBob and Patrick aren’t the only ones fishing for clams today ;)<\/span><\/li>\n
  15. Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs? <\/span><\/li>\n
  16. Blow me like Squidward\u2019s clarinet. <\/span><\/li>\n
  17. You can touch my SpongeBoobs, if you ask in the French narrator\u2019s voice.<\/span><\/li>\n
  18. If nautical nonsense be something you wish, (SpongeBob SquarePants!), then drop on this dick and flop like a fish (SpongeBob SquarePants!).<\/span><\/li>\n
  19. Hey, let\u2019s go to my place and wumbo. <\/span><\/li>\n
  20. You can call me Pinhead tonight as long as we get to do the Dirty Dan.<\/span><\/li>\n
  21. If I scored with you, it\u2019d be a Sweet Victory. <\/span><\/li>\n
  22. You might not have passed boating school, but \u00a0you\u2019ve got a learner’s permit for this dick. <\/span><\/li>\n
  23. Draw me like one of your Squidward portraits. <\/span><\/li>\n
  24. Are you a jellyfish? Because touching you seems dangerous, but I\u2019m still very interested.<\/li>\n
  25. You make me want to take off my clothes and yell, \u201cI\u2019m ready!\u201d<\/li>\n
  26. I\u2019ll whip out my seven-mile spanking machine tonight ;) <\/span><\/li>\n
  27. [French narrator]: One eternity later\u2026 and you\u2019re still hella bangable.<\/span><\/li>\n
  28. I\u2019ll make you squeal louder than when Squilliam lost in the \u201cBand Geeks\u201d episode. <\/span><\/li>\n
  29. Call me the Flying Dutchman, because I\u2019m dead, green, and somehow still horny.<\/span><\/li>\n
  30. Make sure you go Potty (the Parrot) after you have sex with me to prevent UTIs. <\/span><\/li>\n
  31. Plankton is short, but my dick isn\u2019t. <\/span><\/li>\n
  32. Give me head like Squidward\u2019s house. <\/span><\/li>\n
  33. You won\u2019t want to miss the panty raid ;)<\/span><\/li>\n
  34. I\u2019m a Y7 in the streets, but banned from basic cable in the sheets.<\/span><\/li>\n
  35. I last longer than SpongeBob\u2019s Super Bowl cameo.<\/span><\/li>\n
  36. I smell a smelly smell that smells… like love. <\/span><\/li>\n
  37. The inner machinations of my clitoris are an enigma. <\/span><\/li>\n
  38. Put on your dining sock. I’m about to make this confusing for both of us.<\/span><\/li>\n
  39. You make me harder than Karen\u2019s hardware and twice as emotionally available.<\/span><\/li>\n
  40. My ass is puffier than Mrs. Puff.<\/span><\/li>\n
  41. \u201cF\u201d is for friends who fuck. \u201cU\u201d is for u and me. \u201cN\u201d is for anywhere and anytime.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    \u2014A.S.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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