{"id":1093,"date":"2019-12-14T01:28:10","date_gmt":"2019-12-14T06:28:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1093"},"modified":"2026-06-21T11:23:37","modified_gmt":"2026-06-21T15:23:37","slug":"no-winter-maintenance-signs-taught-love-body","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1093","title":{"rendered":"How \u201cNo Winter Maintenance\u201d Signs Taught Me To Love My Body"},"content":{"rendered":"

Learning to embrace body confidence hasn\u2019t been a straightforward path for me. <\/span>There\u2019s too much fat here, too little muscle there.<\/span><\/i> I\u2019ve tried all of the traditional methods: restricting my diet, exercising regularly, and even shaking my SENSA. Nothing seemed to help, until I stuffed a \u201cWarning: No Winter Maintenance\u201d sign up my very own snatch.<\/span><\/p>\n

The inspiration struck me as I was walking up Libe Slope to my Linear Algebra final. Winded and sweating through my jacket, I felt unattractive and out of shape. No matter how hard I worked out, the Slope had its way of showing me just how inept my body was. That\u2019s when the sign caught my eye. Planted firmly in the ground, she looked strong, tall, confident. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo Winter Maintenance,\u201d she called out proudly to the world. \u201cAccept me as I am,\u201d she demanded.<\/span><\/p>\n

And I did accept the sign, accept her as she was. She didn\u2019t need to be salted or plowed. She didn\u2019t care if her walkways posed a hazard. She was everything I wanted to become, and she expressed everything that I strove to feel. <\/span><\/p>\n

So I did what anyone would do. I stole the sign. And when I got back to my dorm room, I stuck her into my cooter. The insertion process wasn\u2019t easy. It took some work to really get her there. But the change was nearly instantaneous.<\/span><\/p>\n

I felt a tingling sensation far stronger than that of any UTI I\u2019ve had before. I turned to face the mirror. I looked the same, but I didn\u2019t feel the same. Suddenly my body hair and fat looked like it was\u2026 meant to be there. My frizzy untamed hair was no longer an embarrassment but a statement. My calluses and dry skin were no longer the product of neglect. They just were. As I just am.<\/span><\/p>\n

Unmaintained.<\/span><\/p>\n

I expect you\u2019re skeptical. That\u2019s okay. I was pretty dubious myself. But when I asked my roommate to test out the sign, she confirmed everything that I had been feeling. It even took some pleading for me to get the sign back from her. My boyfriend also approved of the change, commenting, \u201cI love me a no maintenance girl!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Whether or not you believe me, I urge you to give this technique a chance. The benefits I\u2019ve reaped since stuffing the signature campus signage up in my cave of wonders have been truly tremendous. I\u2019m a happier, more confident version of myself. I\u2019m not shy about showing off my body anymore. <\/span><\/p>\n

The next time you see the friendly letters, \u201cNo Winter Maintenance,\u201d give into your adventurous side. You never know what could happen. Your vag may just thank you.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014A.W. \u201920<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1094,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[21,22],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1093","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured","category-content"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9Nlau-hD","jetpack_likes_enabled":false,"jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":857,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=857","url_meta":{"origin":1093,"position":0},"title":"Join the Lunatic","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 1, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"Lunatic lore has it that one night, while founder Joey Green \u201980 was lying on Libe slope and overlooking the dim twinkle of downtown Ithaca, he was abruptly confronted by a large, frightening man. \u201cGive me your wallet,\u201d the man said, as he held out a rusty kitchen knife to\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/staffphoto.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/staffphoto.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/staffphoto.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/staffphoto.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/02\/staffphoto.jpg?fit=1200%2C857&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":806,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=806","url_meta":{"origin":1093,"position":1},"title":"Finding My Precious [Parka]","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"November 15, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Last night, I was visited by Gandalf in a dream and invited to go on the quest to find my perfect parka for the winter. We were having none of those namby-pamby synthetic non-down high-tech light jackets. I would go out and find the most hardy coat I could, with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/11\/parka-hooded.jpg?fit=960%2C638&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1126,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1126","url_meta":{"origin":1093,"position":2},"title":"How to Turn the Dial Up on Global Warming","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 10, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"For years, politicians, climatologists, and my obnoxious neighbor Bethany have been telling me over and over that the globe is warming up, the ice caps are melting, and polar bears are dying. But it\u2019s pretty clear after the negative degree weather we\u2019ve been experiencing and the snowball in my hand\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/world-on-fire.jpg?fit=1200%2C818&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/world-on-fire.jpg?fit=1200%2C818&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/world-on-fire.jpg?fit=1200%2C818&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/world-on-fire.jpg?fit=1200%2C818&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/02\/world-on-fire.jpg?fit=1200%2C818&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":1087,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=1087","url_meta":{"origin":1093,"position":3},"title":"Stop Judging New Moms","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"November 23, 2018","format":false,"excerpt":"When my pregnancy test came out positive, I was nervous despite my excitement. I dreaded telling my husband the news, and when I finally worked up the courage to, anger and disappointment swept across his face. Only when I told him that I was expecting a boy did his mood\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/new-mom.jpg?fit=800%2C600&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/new-mom.jpg?fit=800%2C600&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/new-mom.jpg?fit=800%2C600&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/11\/new-mom.jpg?fit=800%2C600&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":246,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=246","url_meta":{"origin":1093,"position":4},"title":"Electrical Engineers Discover New Type of Battery","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"February 18, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Ithaca, NY\u2014Cornell electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students on campus, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery. Eighty engineering students have been charged with battery and aggravated assault due to a violent brawl they incited in the Engineering Quad on Saturday afternoon. Campus police\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Battery-Photo.png?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Battery-Photo.png?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Battery-Photo.png?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Battery-Photo.png?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/02\/Battery-Photo.png?fit=1200%2C900&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":742,"url":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?p=742","url_meta":{"origin":1093,"position":5},"title":"LL Cool J’s \u201cMama Said Knock You Out\u201d: An Analysis of Some Lyrics of this Famous \u201990s Song","author":"The Cornell Lunatic","date":"October 10, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Don\u2019t call it a comeback, I been here for years \/ Rocking my peers and putting suckas in fears\u201d In this rocking start to the song, LL Cool J emphasizes the fact that he is God, our Lord and Heavenly Father. He\u2019s been here for so many years that one\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Content"","block_context":{"text":"Content","link":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/?cat=22"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/ll-cool-j-lunatic.png?fit=1024%2C682&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/cornelllunatic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/image.jpg?fit=720%2C960&ssl=1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1093"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2148,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1093\/revisions\/2148"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1094"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1093"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1093"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cornelllunatic.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1093"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}