Winter Break Haikus

Ahh, the holidays,
the most wonderful time to
write cover letters.

Twenty-seven-teen
starts with unreal hangover.
Hope year gets better.

Haikus are easy.
They don’t even have to rhyme,
fucking idiot.

Washed-up Authors begin Collaboration on Sequel to Classic Novel

The Community of Rundown Authors and Publishers announced a project to rewrite Fahrenheit 451 for the modern American audience. Publisher Ballantine Books, famous for its original run of Fahrenheit 451, has already signed on to pub- lish this new classic. Fahrenheit 452, scheduled for publication in early 2015, tells the story of Guy Hashtag, a 21st century employee living in a world where iPhones are required to be damaged. Through- out the novel, Hashtag shatters and bends iPhones, stopping occasionally to drop a call by holding the phone incorrectly. When asked why 452, the Community respond- ed: “452 oF is the temperature at which the Apple A8X processor is no longer able to run apps such as Tinder and Yik Yak, and we believe this will help to connect with our audiences.”

Publisher’s summary:

Nowadays, Apple Geniuses destroy phones. Genius Guy Hashtag loves to rush to an iPhone and watch the metal bend and the glass shatter. Then he met a seventeen-year old girl who told him of a past when people were not obsessed with 2-year contract upgrades, and a professor who told him of a future where people could read the news without charging their batteries. And Guy Hashtag knew what he had to do…