Unfortunately, the reign of much beloved interim president Hunter R. Rawlings III is officially in Lame Duck season, as President-Elect Martha Pollack gets ready to be sworn into office. Her upset victory in the backdoor Board of Trustees meeting was a surprise to rivals Tony Daygo and Jack Pady. In a speech this week, she tried to put aside her embarrassing Dartmouth background with a moving speech in which she said:
“As a computer scientist, I know I can speak for all Cornell students. I promise to bring this divided university together and create a safe space for all members of our community, regardless of class year, grade point average, or blood alcohol content.”
Unfortunately, in a stunning miscalculation, she delivered the speech on Saturday afternoon at 1pm, receiving a record low turnout as the campus drunkenly stirred into consciousness. Says local media analyst and propaganda expert, Denice Cassaro: “Frankly, I have doubts as to whether Pollack has the ability to get and maintain people’s attention. I would recommend the time-tested tactic of daily high volume bombardment of neon comic sans.”
As to how Pollack will govern, look no further than her previous leadership at the University of Michigan. If history is any guide, we can expect on-campus Keystone Light consumption to double and Cornell’s floundering football team to be revamped into a Big Ten conference member. However, Pollack may find that bringing Ann Arbor to Ithaca is like bringing Democracy to Russia. Only time will tell. In the meantime, strap in…it’s gonna be a ride!
I was born in Queens in forty-six
to a mean old dad and learned real quick
that knives and bricks and stones and sticks
(although they’re good for breaking hips)
are pale beside a well timed quip,
a little snippet of insults dished
’bout wives or looks or nervous tics
and when they call you a bulbous prick
or say you’re pulling dirty tricks,
remind them you’ll wall out the spics—
they’ll clap and cheer and tick, tick, tick,
you’ll scoop the Oval Office quick.
Ithaca, NY – A Hotel Management major was spotted doing homework in the Arts Quad on September 7, 2015. The first witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, recounts how his attempt to be friendly landed him in the hospital. As an engineering student, he had never met a Hotelie before. He stated, “I spotted her doing homework in the quad and decided to be friendly. When I asked her major, she said she was in Hotel Management. I don’t remember anything past that…suddenly, I was in the hospital and they were asking me what
Similar stories have been reported by the other six people hospitalized within that hour, with hospital officials reporting all seven show signs of shock including an increased pulse rate, dilated pupils, and fainting. The Hotelie declined to comment on this event.
Ithaca, NY – Recent police investigations have revealed the presence of meat extract in several of the campus’s allegedly vegan dishes. While initial research suggested the extract was a result of confusion in the kitchen, an anonymous tipster has come forth with new information detailing the massive coup staged by one unhappy cafeteria staff member. According to the new information, more than 20 middle-aged cafeteria staff members were involved in this violation of principle for the more than seventeen vegans on
According to the report, the disgruntled worker was motivated by a particularly rude student’s passing remark of her being a “basic bitch.” The worker then assembled a task force of equally unhappy workers, and together they began to add small amounts of chicken extract to many of the vegan dishes served. An unnamed member of the task force remarked “It was something to do, and it gave me great satisfaction to know that somewhere, a vegan was, in fact, consuming a small amount of meat
It is unknown whether the university will be pursuing action against the staff members involved at this point. According to one of the lawyers involved in considering the matter, the lawsuit “is it risk of being thrown out immediately due to the difficulty involved in creating a respectable name for the suit.”
Macklemore, Seattle-based (white) rapper, wins Best (White) Rap Album at 2012 Grammy Awards.
Macklemore has said in interviews that he credits his success to being white and not hating gay people. He plans to title his forthcoming album I’m White and I Don’t Hate Gay People. Macklemore is heterosexual, however tolerant of alternative lifestyles. He is also white.
Chad Kreuger Recovers from Strep Throat, Starts Singing Normally.
After a decade and a half as lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kreuger has finally recovered from strep throat and has regained his normal singing voice. “Watch out, America. Smooth voiced Chad is coming at ya!,” a giddy Kreuger said at a recent press conference.
Kanye West to Turn Efforts away from Making Music, Towards Crafting Perfect Glue Formula.
“I’m a motherfucking genius, but music is not my only forte,” West said. West has expressed interest in exploring a new medium: adhesive paste. West is still perfecting his formula. “I want it to be sticky, but not like crazy sticky,” West says.
Look for YeezyGlue in stores everywhere, as early as May 2016.
The electrical engineering students, typically the most docile students, have begun experiments with a new type of battery: physical battery. Eighty engineering students are all being charged with battery and aggravated assault because of a violent brawl they incited in the engineering quad on Saturday afternoon. It was further uncovered that the engineering students were all involved in an underground bareknuckle boxing ring which occurred regularly on Tuesday and Thursday nights in Phillips hall.
When asked about this, one engineering student responded,
“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
The students are also suspected of being involved in the recent spurts of physical violence and attempts to overthrow order in the free world on campus.
Reportedly, the incident that occurred on Saturday was the result of one arts and sciences student wandering to the engineering quad and boasting about all of the free time he has. The engineers reacted negatively to his lack of purpose in life and proceeded to pummel him. Unsatisfied with his lack of resistance, the engineers then began to attack each-other until police arrived 20 minutes later.
It is speculated that the violence among the electrical engineers can be an attempt to release stress.
When asked about possible motives for this outburst of violence, renowned psychologist Randall Mansfield stated,
“Rule one is you don’t talk about fight club.”
It is clear that there can be no one reason for this outburst, and school officials hope that this year’s dragon day will be violence free and no AAP students will be thrown down Libe Slope.