Unfortunately, the reign of much beloved interim president Hunter R. Rawlings III is officially in Lame Duck season, as President-Elect Martha Pollack gets ready to be sworn into office. Her upset victory in the backdoor Board of Trustees meeting was a surprise to rivals Tony Daygo and Jack Pady. In a speech this week, she tried to put aside her embarrassing Dartmouth background with a moving speech in which she said:
“As a computer scientist, I know I can speak for all Cornell students. I promise to bring this divided university together and create a safe space for all members of our community, regardless of class year, grade point average, or blood alcohol content.”
Unfortunately, in a stunning miscalculation, she delivered the speech on Saturday afternoon at 1pm, receiving a record low turnout as the campus drunkenly stirred into consciousness. Says local media analyst and propaganda expert, Denice Cassaro: “Frankly, I have doubts as to whether Pollack has the ability to get and maintain people’s attention. I would recommend the time-tested tactic of daily high volume bombardment of neon comic sans.”
As to how Pollack will govern, look no further than her previous leadership at the University of Michigan. If history is any guide, we can expect on-campus Keystone Light consumption to double and Cornell’s floundering football team to be revamped into a Big Ten conference member. However, Pollack may find that bringing Ann Arbor to Ithaca is like bringing Democracy to Russia. Only time will tell. In the meantime, strap in…it’s gonna be a ride!
Ithaca, NY – In a statement released in early September, the university officials have officially raised the planned tuition cost for the 2016-2017 academic year. Officials say it will increase by approximately $1,273, in order to offset the cost of the more than 100 planned events with free t-shirts. According to an unnamed representative, the increase in t-shirt distribution will allow for more specific designs to be given out, with plans for “t-shirts with event names, Cornell Store coupons, and even a new t-shirt for every day of November. T-shirts will include specific information such as geographical coordinates, time and date stamps, and map images, so you will know exactly where and when you received the free shirt.” For the more privileged students, a shirt woven from 18K gold thread will be distributed for free in limited supply, also to be fully subsidized by the increase in tuition. University officials hope that this move will help students to make lasting, geographically accurate memories of their time here at Cornell.
Ithaca, NY – University officials have recently added a new FWS based entirely on the usage habits of Yik Yak. Students will be encouraged to “ride the Yak” as part of each of their assignments. Essays will be graded for content, grammar, and Yakarma scores. As is customary with any FWS, initial enrollment will limited to 18 students, despite more than 30 lonely men registering their interest in an anonymous survey more than two weeks ago. According to the Writing Department, selections for the class will be prioritized by college, with Hotelies being given first priority because “students without real homework will tend to be successful in this seminar due to its focus on procrastination”.
PHIL 1205: Intercultural Dialogue in the Yik Yak Age, will be offered beginning in the spring 2015 semester. Other rumored additions to the FWS catalog include “PSYCH 1721: Tinder and the Modern Relationship”, and “WRIT 1120: Intro to Homework for Hotel Management Majors”. Both have been confirmed to be under development by university officials, but only PHIL 1205 has been confirmed to be offered for the upcoming spring semester.